China has a rich and noble history that goes back thousands of years, or if you ask anybody born outside of China, until 1962, when Jackie Chan released his first feature film “Big And Little Wong Tin Bar.” The Chinese are responsible for many of the world’s innovations including gun powder, paper, and having dragons have mustaches. Yet their country has come to be ruled by an oppressive regime that punishes dissent with long prison terms, and sometimes violence. The government uses rampant censorship to confront an increasingly frustrated populace whose only outlet for their frustrations is to go on adventures with wisecracking truck driver Kurt Russell. The internet in China has become so censored that the most erotic thing a Google search brings up in China is a fully clothed picture of Diane Sawyer reading “The Road.” In fact, there are now more things that Chinese citizens aren’t allowed to do than they are allowed to do. Here below are just a few of the offenses in China that are punishable by death.
1. Sneezing while making a profit.
2. Mentioning the Dalai Lama without making a face like you just ate something gross.
3. Having an orgasm without shouting “I did this in honor of the People’s Republic!”
4. Walking by a bald eagle without making fun of it.
5. Using the words “People” “Republic” or “China” in any sentence with a sarcastic tone.
6. No extrapolating after 10 pm.
7. Marrying someone whose last name rhymes with your last name.
8. Mentioning how badly “The Spy Next Door” is doing at the box office.
9. Confusing Jet Li with Jackie Chan.
10. Preferring Vanilla to Chocolate.
11. Confusing Ben Affleck for Casey Affleck.
12. Referring to either of your parents as “Playa.”
13. Having fun without first getting permission from at least seven out of ten of your acting local magistrates.
14. High-fiving a stranger.
15. Eating in front of an obviously hungry panda.
16. Driving while gay.
17. Laughing when someone uses the phrase “penal system” in a sentence.
18. Naming your pet after a type of food or famous fictional character.
19. Saying “Homosayswhat” to a client at a business meeting unless it somehow benefits China economically.
20. Living next to an unpolluted river.
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Comments
Asher
February 7th, 2010 - 9:20:21 AM
That's dumb.
1
Anonymous
April 18th, 2010 - 12:40:37 PM
stupid ass list
2