Chickolith: Jessica Lowndes

By Adam Church on February 4th, 2010

What is wrong with me? How do I not know who this beautiful, heaven-sent ray of sex is already? Something must be up with my hot-chick radar. Man, I gotta get my act together. Oh wait, no, I get it now! It’s because she’s from that show that I have never watched, ever, not once, not even when my girlfriend wanted to, 90210!

Yes, the heat incarnate that is Lowndes plays some dame called Adrianna on that show, and she appears to have no trouble at all taking her clothes off, which is lucky for those of you that are forced to watch the CW by the women in your life. At this point I could bore you with trivia from her IMDB page, like how she apparently uses hair extensions, or how she is an accomplished singer with four hit songs — and how that’s actually sort of surprising and admirable. I could tell you stuff about her, but I won’t. Just look at her pictures. They contain all you need to know.

Meanwhile, here’s an excerpt from a story I was just inspired to write without really knowing anything about Jessica (other than that she’s so purty that I would sell my current gf into a lifetime of slavery just for the chance to use that $100 or so to pay for Jessica’s dinner**).

Here goes:

Antonio Banderas and Mr. Church were relaxing in the parlor, as was their custom on a calm Sunday afternoon, smoking cigars and eating ice cream, arguing about the politics of the day. The gentlemen were joined by a mutual friend, one Miss Jessica Lowndes, whose affections both Antonio and Mr. Church were trying very hard to win. Pouring a scotch for herself, Miss Lowndes suggested a drunken contest to determine which man would escort her to the Jamboree that evening. The gentlemen agreed, quickly finished their cigars and ice cream, and set about beating the hell out of one another. Antonio, poised for victory after smashing a bottle of port on Mr. Church’s face, suddenly suffered an aneurysm, and fell to the now-bloody parlor floor, stone dead. Miss Lowndes helped Mr. Church bury the body under a rose bush just outside the veranda. They skipped the Jamboree, opting instead to smoke a relaxing marijuana cigarette together. Many sweaty hours later, Miss Lowndes offered Mr. Church a high-five before passing out, in ecstasy.

The End.