There are now so many cooking channels that by the time you’re done flipping through them to get to Comedy Central you’ve already seen a full meal completely cooked. At any given time during the day you can watch four shows about homosexuals teaching mid-western heterosexual couples how to decorate, six episodes of Law and Order, and eight shows about hugely overweight repo men getting into arguments with cholos. The world has enough of those channels. Even old channels like TLC have now been swept up and become cooking, homosexuals teaching decorating, or repo man channels. Those shows all have their place. But it is time for a greater variety of new channels to appear. Right now we have 500 channels, about 200 of which overlap with similar shows at any given time. Here are just five examples of new types of channels I’d like to see to add much needed variety to the programming schedule.
1. The Ashton Kutcher Channel.
At any given time Ashton Kutcher is producing a barely coherent romantic comedy, two realities shows, a sitcom, and punking Miley Cyrus, all at the exact same time. Television producers need to take advantage of the whirlwind endless energy of Ashton Kutcher and give him an entire channel. Whether or not what he is doing is technically working he is still so high energy that you just don’t care. People often mistake the fact that he scream laughs every third word as an intentional choice, but it is far from that. Ashton Kutcher actually suffers from a rare condition that forces him to scream laugh with such intensity that it creates a temporary cloud of clean-burning energy. If Ashton’s scream energy could be harnessed, environmental scientists believe we could stop our reliance on fossil fuels by 2022.
2. The Intelligent Design Channel.
Intelligent Design proponents (or “idiots” for short) have tried their best to make believing in the story of Adam and Eve seem like it is a scientific choice. Since science has to be backed up by actual evidence they have had a very hard time, as there is as much evidence for Adam and Eve as there is for Bilbo Baggins, which is to say, there is an old book and that is all. A favorite tactic of Intelligent Design proponents is to say that dinosaurs and people lived at the same time. Which makes no sense if you believe in carbon dating, but since carbon dating isn’t in the bible they don’t believe in it. Which is why they also don’t believe in cars, hand-held video games systems, or the George Foreman grill. The Intelligent Design Channel is a way of having fun while teaching. Since Intelligent Design proponents believe that dinosaurs and people existed at the same time in the Garden of Eden, and that they were all vegetarians before Eve ate the apple, because the world was perfect and there was no death, the Intelligent Design Channel could be 24 hours of watching carnivorous dinosaurs try and fail to eat vegetables (because their bodies are adapted to the eating of meat), grow weak and sickly from lack of protein, but remain unable to die. Until finally, starving from a lack of protein, the Tyrannosaurus and the Velociraptor convince the snake to trick Eve into eating the apple, so that they can be granted the sweet dignity of death rather than to try unsuccessfully to eat and process carrots.
3. The Cast of Harry Potter: The Early Adult Years.
Nothing is more fun than watching child actors try awkwardly to transition into becoming adult actors. The process is so often a stumbling, ungainly period of binge drugs, binge drinking, binge sports car buying and immediately crashing, and binge fringe religion following that it could only be a constant stream of entertainment to assign cameras to all three of the Harry Potter kids and watch them trying to figure it all out now. Such highlights as “the episode where Emma Watson gets caught having group sex with her Yoga instructors in the bathroom at a PETA rally” and “the episode where Rupert Grint accidentally kills a guy in a bar” will get particularly high ratings.
4. The Social Experiment Channel.
This channel would put the theory that people believe pretty much whatever they hear on TV to the test. It would basically be a 24 hour news channel except all the news would be made up and absolutely unbelievable. All the anchors would be real anchors, and all the sets would look like a regular Fox News set. The goal of the channel would be to report things like, “A Black Widow spider is elected Mayor of San Diego,” and, “Scientists now believe Hurricanes can be gay” and see how many people actually think the stories are real.
5. Swearing and Explosions: The Channel.
This would be an entire channel dedicated to gritty detectives swearing under their breath as they walk away from explosions. The commercials will all just be close-ups of attractive breasts in the shower. It will be the only scratch and sniff channel, and it will smell like nacho cheese and cheap American beer. It will be the most popular channel ever conceived.
Comments
Anonymous
February 8th, 2010 - 7:30:54 PM
i wonder how much extra a month directv will charge me to add the swearing and explosions channel.
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