Just when you thought PETA was starting to clean up their act, they go and screw everything up again, like that time they took that blind guy’s seeing eye dog. In what is hopefully just a timely, desperate attention-grab, PETA is demanding that Punxsutawney Phil be replaced with a robot analog. They believe that it’s cruel to keep Phil in captivity, and argue that the bright lights and crowds we throw in his face every year on February the 2nd are really very traumatizing for the little guy. Yeah, I’m sure it’s terrible for ole Phil having the state of Pennsylvania look to his every need, keeping him fat and sassy, going so far as to make his underground lair climate controlled so he’s always warm. Hey, PETA, let me introduce you to a little thing called
The Rodenator…
Or how about the
Varmint Grenade…
“Originally developed for military applications” means Phil will be dead as hell. This is reality PETA, so pay attention. If they let Phil loose, he pretty much has nothing to look forward to except being cold and hungry all the time and one day having his teeth blown out his asshole via a “calculated concussive force.”
Before today, I was all for the ethical treatment of animals. I’m not some sicko who enjoys torturing small furry creatures. I didn’t murder my neighbors cat when I was a kid or anything. But so help me Black Jeebus, if PETA succeeds in actually getting Punxsutawney Phil replaced with some goddammed ro-butt, I am gonna put a Jihad on his entire fucking species. Just to prove a point. Not sure what that point would be, but I’m pretty sure it’d piss some people off.
Oh hell, just for good measure.
(source)
