Analysts are falling over themselves trying to determine who will dominate the Grammys this year. Beyonce and Taylor Swift are running neck and neck in the competition. Analysts are measuring poise, singing ability, beauty, physical attractiveness, hot-itude, good looking-ness, and various other determining factors, but no one has come down definitively either way. Both musical artists have a variety of advantages going for them, here below is a short list of just a few of them.
Advantages
1. Beyonce: Vocal Range. Beyonce’s vocal range is beyond compare. She can go as high as any tenor and as low as any James Earl Jones. In fact, she once went so high with her voice while singing that everyone in the city of Havenshire, where she was recording, lost the ability to see.
2. Taylor Swift: Fearlessness. Taylor Swift’s latest album is named “Fearless”, and for good reason. She has no fear. This has caused terrible trauma in her life, as without fear whenever she goes on hikes she doesn’t understand that she shouldn’t pick up rattlesnakes.
3. Beyonce: Adamantium Endoskeleton. Beyonce, or Weapon 11 as she is known by the secret government organization that captured her in the Canadian wilderness and grafted adamantium onto her bones, is nearly invincible. The surgery was mostly a success, except that midway through the grafting process the power went out and a torrent of adamantium flooded her posterior region, turning the inside of her ass into a gigantic invincible pool of rare metal. This tragedy has, however, only made her stronger.
4. Taylor Swift: Shotgun Implant. In an attempt to be able to successfully defeat Beyonce, Taylor Swift’s manager had a shotgun implanted in Taylor’s left arm. Taylor was then trained by expert marksmen to be able to quickly and accurately utilize the shotgun to fend off would assassins.
5. Beyonce: Cheetah speed. It is a little known fact that when Beyonce was only four years old, she was given to Cheetahs to be raised. At first the Cheetahs wanted to eat her, but they quickly fell in love with the charming child, and taught her their ways. In addition to cheetah speed Beyonce is also gifted with the Cheetah powers of camouflage, tearing through rhino meat, and defecating outside.
6. Taylor Swift: Large ironic gay following. Gay men are relentless in their pursuit of musical kitsch, and Taylor Swift is lucky enough to have been gifted with this label prior to fading into anonymity. It is a proven fact that having a large gay following lowers cholesterol, and prevents heart disease.
7. Beyonce: Large ironic gay following. The only difference between Taylor Swift’s gay following and Beyonce’s gay following is that Beyonce’s gay following has better taste in spangles.
8. Taylor Swift: High concentration of polyunsaturated fats. Taylor Swift is made up mostly of two things: good christian values and polyunsaturated fats. Labeled “the good fat” by food scientists, polyunsaturated fats help destroy bad fat, and make your hair shinier. The only downside to being 90% made up of a single fatty material, however healthy, is that her legs are like gelatin and she has to ride around on a tame reindeer named “Buckwheat” to actually get anywhere.
9. Beyonce: Married to Jay-Z. Being married to Jay-Z automatically enters you into a contest to win either a washer/dryer combo, or a three-day four-night trip to Hawaii. If that wasn’t enough Jay-Z is also a bright, charming guy who knows how to treat a lady right. And by bright and charming I mean he’s so rich his sperm is technically considered a currency in Canada.
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