Some would say that the golden age of television was the 1950’s, and that would be patently false.
The golden age of television, like the golden age of movies, was actually the 1980’s. If you loved horror, sci-fi, or just plain weird movies, the 80’s served them up with reckless abandon.
One of the epicenters of this was pre-corporate USA Network, which used to have a crazy line up of weird including The Hitchhiker, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, and a horror movie showcase. This was during an era where most broadcasters were calling it a night after midnight, signing off with the national anthem and going to static until the morning news arrived at 5am. And nothing was worse then static. Anyone who saw Poltergeist knows that’s how ghosts get into your house, take over your abnormally creepy clown doll, and drag you away into your closet.
Sensing this, cable channels began filling their post-midnight schedules with madness. USA Up All Night was the cornerstone franchise of this movement. Started in 1986, it basically played grindhouse movies, sexploitation movies, and B-Movies with interruptions by D-listers Gilbert Gottfried and Rhonda Shear acting like they were hosting the world’s worst New Years Eve party. Sometimes they would play mainstream stuff like a Nightmare on Elm Street film, but mostly they played titles like: (I swear to God this list is real)
Attack of the Killer Bimbos, Lust in the Dust, Malibu Bikini Wagon, A Nymphoid Barbarian in Dinosaur Hell, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, Demonwarp, Dr. Alien, I Was a Zombie for the FBI, Stewardess School, Screen Test, Bad Girls Dormitory, and Stirba – Werewolf Bitch.
Let’s just reflect on all that cinema gold for a second; just soak that in. The real tragedy here is that nothing like it exists today, and probably never will again. Much like the demise of the Mom-and-Pop video store (to be covered in a future Thursday Throwback), there was something exciting about discovering these abominations to cinema on television, especially late at night. Cause let’s face it, if you were rocking USA after midnight in the 80’s, chances are it was with a pack of Marlboro’s, a Jack and Coke, Budweiser chaser, two Big Macs and any number of substances.
AMC runs a Friday Night Frights line, but they’re what you would expect. Pretty main stream horror fair, with nothing new to be discovered, usually consisting of franchise offerings from Freddy, Jason, and the like. The world has changed, and those precious, weirdo films will probably never again have the chance to be stumbled upon or enjoyed by an unsuspecting audience.
Here’s a little taste of that forgotten magic:
Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death Preview
So here’s to you, USA Up All Night.
(Image via dreadcentral.com)
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