It’s looking, at this point, like Guantanamo Bay may never actually close. Obama has had a very difficult time closing it, no state seems to want to deal with the prisoners, and last Friday a justice department led task force horrendously recommended keeping Guantanamo open. It could very well be that Guantanamo Bay exists as a stain on our international political record for years to come. But if it did ever close, there would be an empty facility that would be sitting there, ready to be turned into something great. Something that could help fix America’s image here, and abroad. Here now are my Top seven recommendations for what to do with Guantanamo Bay if we ever get rid of the prisoners.
1. TGIFriday’s
Turning the old Guantanamo Bay prison into a TGIFriday’s would be a great way to erase the ghosts of the evil deeds done in the facility. No one’s going to be thinking about the tragic 183 water-boardings of Khalid Sheik Mohammed when you can get that many jalapeno poppers for just $14.99.
2. Six Flags Guantanamo Bay
The ailing theme park chain would get a much needed boost from the news coverage sure to stem from them opening their newest theme park at the old military prison, plus there are already pre-built rides there such as the “getting attacked by rottweilers to get information” tunnel and the “built to restrict movement” chain-link cells (must be 48′ or taller to have your movement properly restricted).
3. New Charlie Sheen and Jim Belushi Sitcom
If anybody can bring a sense of humor to a potentially sensitive issue, while at the same time being so bland and inoffensive that any shadow of the cruel history of a place would vanish forever, it is Charlie Sheen and Jim Belushi. Therefore a new sitcom starring the two of them, filmed at the old Guantanamo Bay prison is the perfect way to move our nation past this dark spot on our history. Look for such episodes as, “Charlie gets a toothache, and somehow through that learns the value of sharing” and “Jim forgets his wife’s birthday! Again! (Jeez!)”‘
4. Sell Guantanamo Bay to Kanye West
Within ten minutes he’ll have done something so completely ape shit and unexpected that whenever anyone thinks of Guantanamo Bay they won’t think, “That’s the place where America lost it’s innocence,” they’ll think, “That’s the place where Kanye fucked an entire wedding cake while waving around a sword.”
5. Strip Club
This wouldn’t do much to erase memory, or heal wounds. But at the same time there would be another strip club in the world. Which is always great. Because contrary to popular knowledge, women who strip are never doing it because they’re poor and out of options, they strip because they can’t get enough of nervous overweight 40-year-old men getting hand sweat in their hair.
6. Give the land back to Cuba, the rightful owners of the land
AHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAHAHA. Just kidding. Go Patriots!
7. No seriously…
… give the land back, it is technically stolen land, we had no right to it in the first place — AHAHAHAH. AHAHAHAHHA. Just kidding. Go Patriots!
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