Top 5 Ways To Defeat Pat Robertson

By Daniel Dominguez on January 26th, 2010

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Pat Robertson is obviously, when you really take a long hard look at him, made of gelatin. He is clearly constructed almost entirely of the ground of hooves of horses. There can be no denying this. Yet, despite that, and his incredible stultifying ignorance, he is very powerful. This is primarily because there is a large percentage of the population that believes that Joseph, Jesus’ father, supported his family by traveling the cities of Galilee winning chili cook-offs. Pat Robertson is no stranger to saying horrible illogical things that damage the national consciousness.

Things like, “[The Haitians] got together and swore a pact to the devil,” and, “The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”

Despite his power, however, he is not invincible. Though he travels the galaxy on a silver surfboard finding planets for his master Galactus to consume, Pat Robertson has weaknesses, here below are the five quickest, surest ways to defeat Pat Robertson.

1. Water

In a perfect storm of events, it turns out that Pat Robertson’s mother was the Wicked Witch of the West and his father was one of the aliens from Signs. Which explains why Pat Robertson never drinks water or soda, but can often be seen during his sermons sipping greedily from a bucket of dust.

2. Actual Things Jesus Thought

Pat Robertson attributes crazy things and ideas Jesus never said to Jesus all the time, and he is rarely confronted with actual things that Jesus thought and said that contradict pretty much everything Pat Robertson has ever believed. Legend has it that if you go up to Pat Robertson and whisper to him, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also,” he shrieks a powerful shriek, turns into a vampire bat and vanishes.

3. R-Rated Movies

Pat Robertson thinks any movie that doesn’t have Bing Crosby in it is the work of the devil. This is because secretly he, like all people. enjoys swearing and nudity. Because Pat Robertson is so sexually repressed, if he is ever forced to watch an R-Rated movie he will get an erection so powerful that all the blood will leave his heart, brain, and extremities, causing him to go into cardiac arrest. He will most likely die, but if he lives he will permanently lose the use of his hands. Forcing him to have to pay others to strangle homosexuals for him.

4. Garlic, or a Wooden Stake Through the Heart

Pat Robertson is not a vampire. He is just terribly allergic to both garlic and most forms of wood, especially balsa.

5. His Only Daughter Bringing Him Into the Real World and Then Killing Him There

Pat Robertson, like Freddy Krueger, is actually a dream demon who comes to teenagers, homosexuals, minorities, women and the poor in their nightmares and kills them — so that their tormented faces will appear on his chest. The only way to defeat Pat Robertson is to have Yaphet Kotto convince Pat’s only daughter to go into a dream-state, grab Pat, and wake up while holding him, forcing him into the real world where he can then be killed by conventional weapons like nun-chucks and dynamite.