Just when you thought it was safe to be Nancy Kerrigan… CHOMP! The mutant shark of bizarre tragedy bites your life in half at the waist, and your father dies from a heart attack induced by your brother, who goes to jail. Double chomp! It’s reasons like these that I no longer pretend to be Nancy Kerrigan, especially not at the beach.
For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about, allow me to clarify. Woe has once again settled upon the house of former olympic figure-skater Nancy Kerrigan. Her father, Daniel, and her brother, Mark, apparently got into a fairly heated screaming match which resulted in fisticuffs. Typically, I support the settling of differences with a spirited throw down, but c’mon, not against one’s own father, and certainly not if the old coot has or likely may have a heart condition. That’s common sense right? I mean, look at Daniel Kerrigan’s face. That’s the face of a man who enjoys bacon, egg, and cheese sammiches.
Well, Mark Kerrigan is a jack ass (re: ex con) who can’t be trusted to make intelligent, rational decisions, because he beat his father senseless until the old man passed out on the kitchen floor. According to Mark, who was shortly thereafter arrested for assault, he didn’t take his hands off Daniel Kerrigan’s throat on account he thought his ancient, decaying father was merely faking being unconscious and hurt. Brilliant. I’ll be sure to use that one next time I drunkenly choke an old man to death because he won’t let me use the phone. Oh, had I not mentioned that? Mark Kerrigan grabbed his father by the throat and throttled him into cardiac arrest because Big Bad Mark wasn’t given the phone the instant he demanded it; when the cops showed up they noted Mark’s apparent intoxication, and had to subdue him via mace to the face. No word on how long it took Mark to kill his father, or when the Brenda Kerrigan, Nancy and Mark’s mother, realized the severity of the situation and called 911. Admittedly, details are sketchy at best as the only eye-witness testimony is that of Mark Kerrigan himself–because his mother is blind! Way to go dude, you just widowed your blind and helpless mother.
Now, I know it’s only cool right now to feel bad for people in Haiti (and not, for instance, the domestic homeless folk), but maybe you could bite the bullet and suffer the embarrassment of feeling slightly bad for Nancy Kerrigan’s family on top of all those Haiti emotions. Her kids are never going to get to see their Pep-Pep again, and it’ll probably be quite awhile before they get to see their crazy uncle again either. Though Uncle Mark definitely needs some time to cool off and think about what he’s done. “Mommy, what’s a recidivist?” Just sayin.
Finally, some advice for Nancy: January is not your month. Invest in a bomb shelter and maybe think about living out each and every January in the safety of said shelter for the rest of you life.
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