REJOICE! Today marks the 50th anniversary of the conception of bubble wrap! If you didn’t get drunk for squirrels on Friday (yeah right), or eat pie on Saturday, then you most definitely have to celebrate today’s useless holiday. If you work in an office, find your way to the mail room and just go to town on the packing supplies. If you don’t work in an office, aka you are unemployed, go to Staples and see how long you can “test drive” their various bubbly wrapping wares before they toss you out of the store. I don’t care if ya’ll don’t have access to proper bubble wrap–burn some friggin Styrofoam packing peanuts as a sacrifice to the gods of fragile packages if you must. But do not pass up this opportunity to make a spectacle of yourself, because what the fuck else is today for? It’s not like the 25th has any significance. It’s all about making a mid-winter Monday slightly less hellish.
Back story: bubble wrap wasn’t invented 50 years ago today, it was just “thought of.” The 5th Monday in January is just an arbitrary day chosen by Radio 95 of Bloomington, Indiana WAAAAAAAAAAY back in 2001, no doubt shit out onto an idea list/daily action plan by some jaggoff intern routinely wiping his ass with whatever chores he received from the station’s rude morning wake-up crew. Then somehow the whole thing took off. At least, that’s how I prefer to envision the inception of this glorious holiday, some pimply teen with a bad attitude, hanging out in the moldy break room, huffing freon, giving a big middle finger to his gay uncle who got him the job. “Bubble wrap day, that’ll show them. Who the fuck cares about bubble wrap? They’ll get the worst phone calls ever when they read this on the air, probably lose all their sponsors. Gawd, I hate working in radio. They are totally gonna miss me when I make good on my suicide pact.” The rest is history (R.I.P. awkward teenage douche).
Clearly I prefer fantasy scenarios to fact-checking. But it’s bubble wrap day; who cares? Use today as pretense to get into an uncomfortable bubble popping war with an otherwise unapproachable female co-worker (or nearby female shopper if you are in Staples). CATHARSIS! SHIT YEAH!
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