Avatar Is About To Surpass Titanic

By Mark Lorenz on January 25th, 2010

I see you. I see you. I see blue people, dead people, and gigantic boats. I see Avatar breaking records, and a million people with discerning tastes crying out in the night.

Avatar, despite grossing a fuck-ton of money, an amount of money that wouldn’t be able to be contained in the actual Titanic, was plotted like a retarded choose-your-own adventure novel. Every single action cliché of the last twenty years was put into it, sprinkled with a healthy dose of liberal guilt and Pocahontas. And a lot of technical terms. But if there ever were a movie that made up for its shortcomings with stunning visuals, it was Avatar.

Avatar is just two-million dollars from breaking Titanic’s record. Just two million dollars. Which is impressive, without factoring in the higher costs of 3-D tickets and inflation, but still, jesus lord, that’a boatload of money. Worldwide, people have responded to the message of an evil imperialist, English-speaking earth taking over a well-connected civilization of peaceful people who only want to plug their hair into things. Somewhere there is an Iraqi in a hair salon, nodding knowingly that James Cameron understands their plight.

But congratulations to Fox, for now having the two highest-grossing movies of all time. The December release date was perfect for Avatar. They essentially released a summer blockbuster in the middle of shit-movie season, and saw their dividends back 100x because of it.