Who’s to say people won’t be tefillin their phylacteries with underwear bombs?
Mild-mannered citizens on-board US Airways Express Flight 3079 fuckin’ freaked when they saw a 17-year-old Orthodox Jewish kid whip out these crazy little black leather boxes and strap ‘em to his head and arm. It was such an ordeal that the flight was taken off its course from New York to Louisville, landing instead in Philly, a city where nobody gives a shit about anything. Well, anything not involving the Eagles. Or the Phillies. Certainly not a plane blowing up, in any case.
Turns out the kid was just doing his morning prayer routine, and those lil’ boxes he strapped to himself were filled with scripture. Turns out those boxes are called phylacteries (or tefillin in Hebrew). Also they’ve been in use for thousands of years. Not that any of that matters, because this is America, where people are justifiably paranoid as hell about anything the least bit sketchy when it comes to planes. Especially if said sketchy business is any sort of religious expression that doesn’t involve a white Christ. The government agrees:
“It’s something that the average person is not going to see very often, if ever,” FBI spokesman J.J. Klaver said.
Basically, if you are a WASP and you feel like shitting yourself at the airport, you have carte blanche to do so as long as there is somebody nearby muttering a prayer in foreign-speak. Reactionary counter-terrorism policies having worked like a charm so far, they really just ought to ban all religions from airports and airplanes, the same way kids can’t pray in public schools. Maybe I’m being insensitive here, but at least we wouldn’t have to put up with those annoying Hare Krishnas shoving “free” books in our faces and then demanding at least a $20 donation.
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