By now you have probably heard about Google threatening to shut down their Chinese operation. If you haven’t, pull your head out of your ass for a minute and set your peepers on the following quick refresher. In 2006, Google agreed to censor all of their search results according to Beijing’s requirements, thus granting the Googster access to the worlds largest consumer market (China, doy). Now, after a few years of fending off relentless hacking attempts, Google is fed up, promising to ditch Google.cn and bail if the cyber-terrorism doesn’t stop. Also they no longer want to censor their search results. Hey, as long as we are making ridiculous demands, can I have the head of Wong Kar Wai on a platter? And how bout a pony? Fudge it, I demand you genetically modify a pony of my choosing to have the head of WKW.
Beijing, naturally, doesn’t give a shit. And why should anyone? The only thing unexpected here is that Google apparently grew a conscience. China must treat Google like the dried up whore it is or else besmirch their authoritarian supremacy. The original deal was for Google to bend over for a few paltry yuan, and Google agreed, ravenous for some spicy Red totalitarian action. It seems the internet wizards at Google did not expect Red China to play rough. Pretty stupid, Google; this is a country where dissent warrants execution, and you expect them to respect your boundaries. Like any passionate rapist, Beijing wants its concubine all to itself, demanding to know who else Google goes to bed with, and so The People’s Cyber Army reaches deep into Google’s databases and just hacks the shit out of them.
Let me paint a picture of the ideological climate Google is combating. Porn is illegal and you can be rewarded for snitching. Granted, the reward may very well be a golden bullet that your family digs out of the back of your skull since that information comes from a state run news agency. Avatar was deemed a threat to innocent minds and pulled from theaters. Because giant blue cats having sex is perverse–the cats should be red. Embezzling THE PEOPLE’S money is punishable by death, but selling a dog for 500 grand is totally cool. Finally, China supports the hilarious exploits of a certain glorious leader. In short, China is batshit insane.
If you have a solid plan for how Google can come out of this situation clean, or if you admire Chinese pragmatism, let me know in the comments.
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