As is usually the case with Apple the lead up to the unveiling of their new device is surrounded by a deep and barely penetrable air of secrecy. So secret is the secrecy that even the secrecy itself doesn’t know that it is a secret. Apple likes to keep details about its products under wraps to generate excitement in the tech community and the upcoming release of the new Tablet e-book device is no different. Even Steve Jobs himself has taken to being more secretive in his daily life in anticipation of the new release, by wearing a large black cape when he goes to get coffee. Also, lately, to add to the mystery, when people ask how Steve Jobs is doing, instead of his usual reply of, “Very well, thank you,” he now says, “I don’t know. How do you think I’m doing?”, and then vanishes into a cloud of smoke.
Tech analysts love to speculate about new features included in the latest devices and I’m certainly not immune. So here’s just a small list of the features I’m hoping Steve Jobs and company include in their new e-book reading device:
1. A “Harry Potter Fan Determination Ray” – This would be a small laser ray that fires out of the Tablet whenever someone downloads a Harry Potter book onto the device. If the device determines the person to be 30 years old or older, it pities them.
2. A small slot in which you can insert your finger. The device then uses electromagnetic impulses to determine your IQ, then if you have an IQ over 94 it becomes unable to display Clive Cussler novels.
3. If you download a Joel Osteen’s “Your Best Life Now”, the Tablet lets your girlfriend know before you get home, so she has time to get her things packed and leave you before you get back.
4. A ” Teen Vampire Fictionizing” App that you can use to convert any work of classic literature to Teen Vampire Fiction. Example:
An excerpt from “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”, prior to using the Teen Vampire Fiction application:
“A slave warehouse! Perhaps some of my readers conjure up horrible visions of such a place. They fancy some foul, obscure den… But no, innocent friend; in these days men have learned the art of sinning expertly and genteelly, so as not to shock the eyes and senses of respectable society. Human property is high in the market; and is, therefore, well fed, well cleaned, tended, and looked after, that it may come to sale sleek, and strong, and shining.”
That same excerpt from “Uncle Tom’s Cabin” after using the Teen Vampire Fiction application.
“A teen vampire slave warehouse! Perhaps some of my readers conjure up horrible visions of such a place. They fancy some late-night coffee shop, that plays today’s latest bands… But yes, dear friend, they are exactly right; in these days hot teen men vampires have learned the art of sinning expertly and genteelly, but though they be hunky, they won’t try to have sex with you until you are married. That is the vampire code… These thoughts ran through Kirsty’s head as she wrote in her diary about Dylan Slater, her hot teen vampire boyfriend. She loved that Dylan sparkled in the darkness, and that he made out with her but never asked her to do more than she was comfortable with. And that was how life was like here at Uncle Tom’s Cabin.”
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