Rachel Weisz was recently voted the woman men most want to marry. Probably because she is charming, beautiful, intelligent, and has giant candy lips that she could use to lick like fourteen stamps at the same time. But not all women have earned the esteem of the male population in quite the same way as Rachel Weisz. In fact, the list of women men most want to marry recently prompted a Harvard Professor and a well-known fashion magnate to get together to put together the official, hyper-accurate list of women men least want to marry. Here below are just a few:
1. Barbara Bush
Her age was certainly a factor. Barbara Bush is no spring chicken. She’s not even a winter chicken. She’s more like chicken that has been put through a jerky machine and then fed to dogs. But her age is just one factor in a sea of factors that made men desire not to marry her. She also has troubling right-wing values, is very high maintenance (she has Alzheimer’s and keeps eating the pearls on her necklace, then demanding they be replaced), and rides around at night on a giant black vulture doing evil deeds.
2. Kathy Bates
Oddly, her weight isn’t a problem. It normally would be a turn-off, but she’s so smart and engaging most guys get past that. She is also very wealthy, and hangs out in circles that most people would do anything to be a part of. She has so much going for her, you’d wonder why she made the list. That is, until you’ve been going out with her for a little while, and you realize she suffers from a rare condition where the only way she can become physically aroused is by role-playing scenes from “Back To The Future.”
3. That chick from the movie “Teeth”
When I was a kid my Dad would always say, “Daniel, never go out with a woman who has teeth in her vagina that bite down when she is angry or afraid,” and I would always be like, “Yeah right, whatever old man, you don’t know me, man. You’re a part of the system, man.” But then I grew up, and saw the movie “Teeth,” and I have to admit, begrudgingly, that my father had a point.
4. Kali, Goddess of Destruction
She may hobnob with the entertainment elite, and she’s never late with a witty bon mot at a cocktail party, but many guys find her decapitated human head earrings to be a real turn off. On the plus side, her love of guy movies like Die Hard and Predator is a big bonus, but as soon as you put one on she’s rolled up her 90-foot long tongue and goes on another insatiable killing spree. Also, the fact that she is hundreds of feet tall makes it difficult to find a one-bedroom apartment you can both agree on.
The only female Auto-bot, Chromia is part of the elite troupe of robots responsible for destroying the Decepticons and bringing peace and justice to the universe. She is also a high-level commander in Elite One, the vaunted all female chapter of Auto-bots. Unfortunately, with all that responsibility she rarely has time for the relationship. She’s constantly traveling to planets all over the solar system battling Decepticons, and long distance relationships inevitably have a failure rate high enough that it’s just not worth the risk.