Pat Robertson Is ****ing ****ing ****ing Crazy.

By Daniel Dominguez on January 14th, 2010

• Share
• Link to StumbleUpon
• 3 Comments

Pat Robertson recently came out when no one had words and clued us in on why something as calamitous as the recent earthquake in Haiti could happen. He postulated that the earthquake was not a naturally occurring disaster, rather, he suggested, it was caused by a pact the Haitians made years ago with Satan. In Robertson’s own words:

“You know … something happened a long time ago in Haiti. … They got together and swore a pact to the Devil...”

“…They said, ‘We will serve you if you get us free from the French.’ True story…”

“….And so, the Devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’ And they kicked the French out…”

“…You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after another.”

At first that might sound like the words of a modern madman, or a completely reasonable man from the early 1300’s, however all is not as it seems, as I actually recently got a chance to sit down with Satan himself and have a conversation. This is an excerpt:

Dan Dominguez
Thanks for being here Satan.

Satan
It’s my pleasure, my pleasure.

Dan Dominguez
Do you have enough water?

Satan
Oh yeah, I’m great. Thanks.

Dan Dominguez
So I know you’re here to promote “Fred Claus”, now out on DVD, which you wrote and directed-

Satan
I’m very proud of that one. Vince Vaughn is fantastic, and if you watch it all the way through locusts come out of the screen and consume you.

Dan Dominguez
Great. We’ve got a clip, but before we get to that, I wanted to ask you about the earthquake in Haiti-

Satan
Oh yeah, totally did that.

Dan Dominguez
You did?

Satan
Yeah, I had a devil of a time, but it ended up working out great.

*Audience laughs, Dan and Satan laugh*

Dan Dominguez
Devil of a time, that’s great.

Satan
Yeah, yeah.

Dan Dominguez
Alright, I’m with Satan, and we’re going to show a clip from Fred Claus, which he wrote and directed. Here we go.

*The clip plays, the audience is consumed by Locusts*

Dan Dominguez
Well, that was great, stay tuned, if you lived through that, and when we come back we’ve got, you know her you love her, Hannah Montana everybody!

*No one claps, as they’ve all been consumed by locusts*