Asthmatic kids tend to be thought of as punier and weaker than kids who don’t have serious asthma. They get picked last for the sports teams, girls don’t want to kiss them behind the bleachers because they don’t want to get phlegm on their dresses, dogs don’t love them because the dogs sense they are not the alpha leader of the pack, and so on. I should know, I had hardcore asthma.
Fortunately, there are also many oft-not spoke of benefits to having asthma as a child, so worry not you who have suffered. As a handy guide they are listed here below.
1. Plenty of Time To Read
While all the jocks are out getting laid, you’ll have plenty of time to spend combing through text after text in an attempt to not think about how you can’t get a date because every time you ask Jennifer Paulson out you go into an uncontrolled coughing fit and need her to administer a hypodermic needle full of anti-seizure medicine to calm you down. This will, however, really come in handy later in life when you’re hanging out in coffee shops and can easily throw down a Voltaire reference and therefore become the most respected guy at Java Joe’s House of Fair Trade Beans.
2. Severe Unpopularity
This may seem like a downside, but unpopularity breeds fears of inadequacy, and fears of inadequacy breed resentment, and nothing breeds the desire to succeed better than resentment. Remember that time Johnny Larson knocked that ice cream cone out of your hand in front of the girl you liked? That’s just more fuel for you to stay up late taking extra-care to get your Yale application just so, so that you can become President and make it illegal for Johnny Larson to own or rent property.
Pity goes a long way. You can use pity for just about anything. Fedex charging you an arm and a leg? Bust out your inhaler and start a coughing fit and you’ll get a discount from the horrified counter girl in no time, just to get you out of her store. Having trouble haggling down the car salesmen? Double-over unable to breath and you can go ahead and knock $1000 bucks off the price of that brand new Kia Sephia. The woman you’re on a date with not seeming interested? Start up the wheezing, off-handedly mention something about chemotherapy, and before you know it you’ll be at her place. Bonus: If you keep the fact that you got invited to her place off of Facebook, she might even let you come over again.
4. No P.E.
While the other kids are sweating it out on the field doing laps, you can rest easy, kicking back in the shade, thanks to your doctors note that says you aren’t allowed to participate in strenuous activity. Make yourself seem really feeble and the coach might even bring you a Minute Maid lemonade to sip on from the cafeteria vending machine.
5. Intellectual Bonus Points
You might be dumb as a red-state, but because you have a condition that makes you scrawny and unable to breathe people will naturally assume that you are brilliant. For centuries human beings have associated physical weakness with intellect and your situation is no different. Chances are, no matter how dumb you are, if you walk by a science lab and start coughing up, they’ll immediately run out, put you on salary, and ask you what you think dark matter would look like if you forced it to travel at the speed of light. And when you say, “Ummm… I like eating?” They’ll all nod and rub their chins as if you’ve just blown their fucking minds.
Many of the famous people you know and love are fellow asthma sufferers including Craig T. Nelson, Darkman, Duckman, Flipper, Darth Vader, and James Garfield — the only President to ever die of inhaling too much cat dander.