The Mathematics of Warren Beatty’s Boner

By Daniel Dominguez on January 13th, 2010

• Tweet
• Link to StumbleUpon
• 1 Comment

It has recently been revealed that Warren Beatty has had sex with 12,775 women. For perspective, that’s 775 more dollars than I made last year. What that means, mathematically, is that for every single dollar I earned last year, Warren Beatty had sex with 1.15 women.

I have had sex with 14 women. That means that Warren Beatty has had sex with 12,761 more women than I have. And, according to my sources, Warren never met any of the women he had sex with outside of a 7/11 drinking a bottle of Wild Turkey by herself. Which is another way in which he has defeated me.

Warren Beatty is 72 years old. That means that, if we assume that he started having sex with women at the age of 17, he has had sex with a women at least once every 1.8 days since he began having sex. Accounting for time he spent making movies, time spent at press conferences, and in creative meetings, that means that Warren Beatty was only able to set aside time for eating food every 3.7 days. It means he only slept once every four weeks. In order to fill his time with that many women, insider reports have said that, “… Warren would have sex with a woman doggy style, so that he could put a hotplate on her back to fry up eggs and bacon that he would wolf down in order to get to the next woman. He would then have sex doggy style again so that he could read through potential scripts on her back. He would bring a giant blanket to meetings so that he could put it over the woman or women he was having sex with at the meeting and not distract anyone while the meeting was going on.”

My friend Mikey wondered aloud to me, “Did he know he could have sex with the same woman twice?” And I thought that was a great question, so I did a little research, and I found out that Warren Beatty only ever had sex with women whose vaginas were glass, and shattered upon impact.

So now it all makes sense.