Apparently the “Kilimanjaro” setting on the machine at Jessica Biel’s gym is bullshit, because yesterday her smokin’ ass decided to go for broke and climb the real thing. When reached for comment, Biel’s ass was quoted as saying, “Fuck it, it’s not like I was doing anything today.” The famously muscular star was part of a group of beautiful people including Isabel Lucas and Emile Hirsch who all decided to climb the iconic Tanzanian rock to raise awareness for the global water crisis.
At first, this all sounds pretty bad ass. But then you realize the water crisis they are talking about isn’t the one where an angry sea rises up to claim the lives of all who dwell in the lowlands. Nope, climbing a fucking mountain to escape global-warming fueled tidal waves of drowning death is too perfect a symbolic act. Turns out the water crisis they refer to is the one where there is a shortage of clean drinking water. Now, I understand why they couldn’t call it the crisis of people too lazy to move out of the desert, or the crisis of failing to boil your gosh darn drinking water; they don’t want to seem callous and that makes sense. But why not call it the clean water crisis, or the crisis of the thirsty third world, so people at least know what you are talking about?
Then again, consider this: who climbs to the top of one of the world’s tallest mountains where there is literally no water that isn’t frozen, where the only way to hydrate your feeble body is to try and melt snow by starting a fire in impossibly unforgiving conditions, where just standing around for 45 minutes is so likely to kill you that it renders your search for a drink utterly moot, all to make a point about there not being enough clean water for impoverished peoples who live thousands of miles away and/or in completely different climates? Answer: Idiots, my boy. Rich, vapid, idle idiots. Walking for the cure is one thing, but, like, come on. There has got to be a better way to spend your dime than sending celebrities on a publicity safari.
Still, you have to admire Jessica Biel for at least trying to do something for the good of humanity. After the direct-to-DVD failure of Powder Blue, in which nobody cared that she got totally nude, her career may very well be in the “Lohan Zone.” Public service and charitable acts, even misguided ones, might just warrant staying the hand of euthanasia. Well, if she stays super sexy, that is.
Comments
brian
January 13th, 2010 - 12:32:38 PM
If only Jessica Biel had simply become a snarky blogger, maybe then she would have made a real impact on the world? Anyway, the global water crisis refers to -- areyaready?! -- the global water crisis. Rising sea levels relates to global warming. I know, more than one global crisis dealing with water, a little confusing.
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S. Oxnard
January 13th, 2010 - 1:05:29 PM
I don't think Jessica Biel actually knows the meaning of snarky...I think she just does what she's told by her manager (i.e. her bum) in order to maintain some "it" factor. Who knows...I'm still confused over the fact that there is more than one global crisis dealing with water.
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Kyle
January 13th, 2010 - 6:15:22 PM
That's pretty funny. They must have been really thirsty and needed a lot of water after their climb. :)
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Muggins
January 14th, 2010 - 12:25:11 PM
It's too much to demand that Jessica give a complete description of the water problem she's interested in, in our crushingly impatient sound bite world. There are water problems, she's hiking to the top of the mountain. Where's the pics?
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T.J. Swoboda
January 14th, 2010 - 2:39:33 PM
Personally, I like web pages where you don't have to right-click and Select All to make the text readable, but that's just me.
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T.J. Swoboda
January 14th, 2010 - 2:40:09 PM
Okay, I swear to Odin the background was black when I wrote that.
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