Unless you’re underage or one of the few people who’ve sworn off alcohol, you probably have had more than your fair share of bad nights because of the stuff. It’s like a double-edged sword; providing so much enjoyment while simultaneously trashing your system and turning you into a moron. Don’t get us wrong, we love the stuff — drink it like fish — but there are definitely more things that shouldn’t be done while drunk than things that should. These are the top 15 things NOT to be done while intoxicated. Please, if you really can’t help it, at least try to limit yourself to only ever do about half of them.
Drive Anything
This is absolute. These days, it just seems like DUIs are accidents waiting to happen, and the consequences only ever get worse. It’s not like it never happened in the old days, there just weren’t nearly as many cars or people back then. Discounting the fact that getting busted for one of these will wreck your bank account and driver’s license for quite some time, you run the risk of killing somebody. Just don’t do it. Call a cab, hop on a bus, walk if you have to. Get home safe.
Call Mom
This pretty much goes for anyone in your family who isn’t a brother of similar age. When you’re out partying, getting drunk, and having a good time, you tend to forget that you normally keep things from your family, something you probably do for good reason. Calling Mom is one of those things that your sober self will want to kick your drunk self for later, since she will know immediately that you’re drunk. She’ll then proceed to judge you, and probably interrogate you without your knowing it.
Text Anyone
Drunk texting has risen to a prominence that drunk dialing could never quite reach, mostly because of the fact that once you text someone, they have that text forever. They can keep it, show it to whomever they please, and forward it to their entire phone book if they feel like it. Drunk dials pale by comparison, because once it’s done, it’s done (unless you reach an answering machine, in which case you’re screwed).
Go To Work
We can’t emphasize enough why you shouldn’t go to work drunk. Not only will your co-workers and boss be able to smell the booze on your breath, but they’ll probably notice you slurring your speech and generally acting like a bit of an idiot. Doing this is not only damaging socially, since your friends will likely lose some confidence in you, but it’s also a good way to get fired. Don’t do it.
Call Your Ex
We shouldn’t have to tell you that calling your ex is a bad thing, but we’d be remiss if we didn’t touch on the subject. If you’re currently single, then the risk is only in having to deal with what is probably a ball of crazy. If you’re with someone, then calling your ex is wrong on several levels, all of which you’ll probably get a full briefing on when your current girlfriend finds out about it. Do the smart thing, just erase her number from your phone and forget it.
Enter a Tattoo Shop
Normally we’d tell people to simply not get a tattoo, but it’s gotten so ridiculous these days that the new advice is to not even enter any tattoo, barber or piercing shop when under the influence of alcohol. Once a guy enters the tattoo shop, he’s bombarded with a million different influences all pushing him to man up and get a tattoo. When a guy goes through this drunk, he’s putting himself at a severe disadvantage in the decision-making department. Tattoos designs purchased while drunk are almost always regretted.
Step in Front of a Camera
We now live in the age of social networks, meaning that everything we do could possibly become public knowledge with just a few clicks and keystrokes. Because of this, and the fact that nearly all phones are now cameras, it’s important that you make an effort to remember while drunk to stay out of any picture taken. This may sound a bit alarmist, but people are now losing their jobs because they got tagged doing something naughty in somebody else’s picture on Facebook.
Get Married
Sure, after decades of low opinions about the place, Vegas is becoming a valid destination for couples looking to tie the knot on a budget. Unfortunately, a great deal of marriages that occur there aren’t between people who should be getting married. Getting drunk, meeting a stripper named Candy, and hitting up the Elvis Hut is not the way to go about things. Please, bear that in mind next time you hit the slots.
Break Up With Your Girlfriend
Fights happen, and they happen whether we’re sober or not. The key here is to realize that no matter how bad the fight gets, if you’re drunk you may not be thinking clearly. Postpone any major decisions until the next day, when you’re thinking more clearly — you may inadvertently save the best thing that ever happened to you.
Go For a Swim
This video does a pretty good job of exemplifying just how stupid it can be to mess around with water when drunk, but there are some pretty scary numbers to back it up as well. The CDC estimates that up to half of all water-related deaths can be attributed, at least partly, to alcohol. If you’re going anywhere near the water while drinking, you should consider the risk, and stay on dry land.
“Parkour”
Unless you are one of the very few people in the world who can successfully pull off parkour moves in proper fashion, whatever it is you’re doing drunk in the alleyway is NOT parkour. You’re probably managing about one foot of “air” while simultaneously shouting “parkour,” and looking like a retard in doing it. You may not be accomplishing anything in doing it, but you could potentially hurt yourself pretty badly, so we’re recommending you not attempt your “parkour” moves anymore while drunk.
Go on a Shopping Spree
Afternoon drinkers feel the temptation. They walk out of the bar and realize that they have several hours to kill, and what better way to do that than to get some cool new stuff? Hitting up the mall or other shopping locales while drunk is a huge mistake — massive — because drunk people don’t keep track of their money very well. They also have piss-poor math skills while drunk, and even worse decision-making capability. Wait til you sober up to bust out the credit cards, you’ll save yourself from some pretty hefty regret later on.
Email Your Boss
Countless men have made the grave error of airing their grievances toward their bosses via email while drunk — and none have ever come out in as good a position as when they went in. Most of the time, a transgression of this magnitude leads directly to the unemployment office, but if you’re lucky you may be able to convince your boss that it was purely the alcohol talking, and that you had been riled up by some other factors completely outside the sphere of work. The likelihood of him listening to that are pretty slim, though.
Get Into an Argument
When a guy’s drunk, his inhibitions are trashed, and so is his temperament. The smallest agitation can lead to monumental outbursts, and what would normally be passed off as simple verbal jabs can quickly turn into heated verbal altercation, and that’s just one short step away from full-blown assault. Keep things mellow, don’t get into debates and don’t take things personally. Remember that your temper is not fully under your control and just try to keep your cool. It could mean the difference between passing out on your couch, and passing out in the drunk tank down at county lockup.
Take Home the Girl You’ve Been Avoiding
Alright, so there’s a girl you’ve been avoiding at work, in your neighborhood, or just at the bar you’ve been hanging out in for the last six hours or so. As you’ve had more to drink throughout the evening, she’s gotten more and more attractive, and now things seem to be at a tipping-point. She wants to go home with you, because she wants to go home with anybody who will take her. You get so drunk that you forget why it was a bad idea in the first place, and you have no idea why you were so sure that you’d regret taking her home. By the time tomorrow happens, it’s too late, and now you’ve got her to deal with. Depending on the circumstances, you may have a lot more to deal with too.
