With the recession in full swing and more and more people are out of work, or having to take jobs that don’t meet the living wage, advice on how to survive in the difficult economic climate is becoming all the more important. As a long time underemployed individual I have gathered together a host of good ideas to make life a little easier without actually having any money, and I have decided, as a service to the community, to present them to you here now:
1. Steal from Liquor Stores*.
I know that a lot of people say that you shouldn’t steal from liquor stores, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Liquor stores have tons of money, and the people who run them, by and large, also have personal money on them in their wallets or in a money clip, which could be yours. You should take that money. If you don’t take that money, you will never have it. And who’s fault is that?
I mean, you saw how well the liquor store robbery worked in “Menace II Society,” right? It’ll be the perfect solution to your money problem: After you rob the store, you’ll totally have your food and board paid for by the Federal Government for years. Good job, man. You’ve got yourself three squares and a roof over your head. And prison rape.
2. If you drink alcohol…
…you will temporarily forget that you are poor. Generally it takes a fair amount of alcohol to completely forget that you are poor. But Trader Joe’s has very cheap alcohol that you can buy a lot of for the same amount of money that it would take to use as gas to apply for a job. And unlike applying for a job, you can’t be rejected by alcohol.
3. Cardboard has protein.
Some people will tell you that cardboard doesn’t have protein. But those people are just greedy for cardboard and want to keep it all to themselves. They are selfish, measly people, probably because they don’t have much protein because they don’t get enough cardboard. You should seriously eat the shit out of cardboard. Every last one of you.
4. Dogs grow meat back quickly.
If you take a bite out of a dog, it is a scientific fact that within 24 hours a scab will have formed over the wound, and in 48 hours the meat will be completely back. The dog will be fine, and you will be full. Just make sure it’s not your dog. Because dogs tend to resent the people that keep biting off parts of them.
Also, if you actually try to eat your dog, may the ghosts of 1,000 vegetarians haunt you to your grave. Cruel bastard.
5. Grow a beard and shave it to be shaped like a nest.
At first this doesn’t seem like it would have any positive effect. But I have found that if you grow a long beard out and then shape it like a nest, and sit very still, mother birds will land there and lay their eggs. Then, if you wait for them to fly away, you can eat their delicious eggs. It’s like having a supermarket growing right on your own face.
*Note: This post does not actually advocate stealing from liquor stores, eating dogs and cardboard, or drinking yourself into a self-pitying stupor. Because that would be dumb. This is more of a “Modest Proposal” kind of thing, and we hope you read it as such.
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