Last Saturday morning, Artie Lange’s mom was dropping off some food at her son’s Hoboken apartment, which is good news for fans of Howard Stern’s radio shenanigans, because Artie had decided to kill himself. So in she walks, good motherly intentions, only to find her troubled lad in a horrible state, probably wacked out of his mind on booze and drugs, but very definitely bleeding all over the place from several serious wounds. Say what you will about Artie, but his mother is a superhero, and you are not allowed to bitch the next time your mom stops by unannounced to force a home-cooked meal down your gullet. This is what moms are for, thwarting the suicide attempts of their wayward sons.
A crack team of surgeons managed to patch Artie up and save his life despite heavy blood loss. Police noted that six of the nine stabs were hesitation wounds, which means that Artie either had a crisis of conscience, or he was too messed up to figure out how to stab himself to death efficiently (knife goes IN, pointy end first, fellas). In any case, it’s sad if not unexpected news, but maybe Artie will finally get the help he needs on account of this.
I’m reminded of a bad poem I heard someone reciting shortly after Elliot Smith killed himself. I can’t recall the whole thing, but the phrase that stuck with me was “stabbing yourself in the heart is art, killing yourself is easy.” Neither is true for Artie Lange, though. May he live long and continue to be hilarious.