There are woman who I have teenage crushes on. They are few and far between, and occasionally celebrities. Evan Rachel Wood, Padme Lakshmi, Eva Green, Monica Belluci, and there’s one other one. In the pantheon of celebrity women, one rests above all the others. Rachel Weisz.
If you or any of your friends look like Rachel Weisz, and I see you on the street, I will trail you like a rabid paparazzo. That’s how hot she is. So hot that it takes away my dignity. So hot that she could literally beat Megan Fox to death with an adorable puppy, and then eat her brain, and I wouldn’t care. I would not care. I’d still want to do evil, naughty things to her.
And apparently, other men agree with me. Rachel Weisz was voted the women most men wan to marry, according to a recent poll. And by poll, I think they mean they just tape recorded the screams coming from my apartment. Men want to bed Cheryl Cole, according to the same poll. If you haven’t gathered from this yet, this poll was done in England, and not really on my apartment block.
Rachel Weisz accepted graciously, and joked that she wasn’t married yet. She’s just engaged to Darren Aronofsky. An amazingly talented director. That sound you’re hearing is me shaking my fist in the air.
Oh, universe. I appreciate the crazy games you play with us.