Gary Coleman Hospitalized: Pray For Mojo!

By Daniel Dominguez on January 6th, 2010

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Gary Coleman, beloved actor and hero to the diminutive, was hospitalized today after removing himself from doing a promotion to excuse himself to his room, stating that he was feeling “unwell.” The actor was found curled into a tiny sock, asleep with his head resting on a miniature marshmallow. An emergency crew tickled Mr. Coleman awake with a tiny feather and led him to an ambulance, where he jumped into the breast pocket of one of the on duty nurses and they drove him to the hospital.

Once he arrived at the hospital, they found a suitable leaf for him to stretch out on, and used a dropper to drip some sugar water next to his little mouth for him to sip from. There doctors attempted to use a thumb tack to perform a complicated surgery. Unskilled at operating on someone of Mr. Coleman’s stature, the doctors called in a favor with a local street artist who specialized in drawing Chinese characters on grains of rice to perform the surgery.

When the surgery was complete Mr. Coleman was allowed to walk back to his room, which was one room over from the surgery ward, or about fifteen feet from door to door. It took him three days. On the way he was almost crushed by the wheel on a food cart rolling by, a dropped sandwich, and was trapped for several hours in a paper coffee cup someone accidentally knocked out of a trashcan.

His friends came to visit him in the hospital. Mr. Toad, a badger, a bird, and a mouse all gathered around Gary with the gifts they had brought him. Mr. Toad brought Gary a thimble to wear like a hat, but the thimble was too big and all the forest animals agreed it made Gary look silly. The badger brought Gary the carcass of a mouse to eat, which horrified both Gary and the mouse, and the badger felt ashamed. The bird brought Gary a shiny button it had found which Gary promised he would treasure forever. The mouse and Gary had sex in the missionary position because they were lovers.

Mr. Coleman’s press agent was reported as saying that Gary had never had a better time with his animal friends, that his hospitalization was not alcohol or drug related, and that he would surely be out and back working at entertaining America in no time.

Unfortunately, Mr. Coleman’s press agent is an adorable squirrel, so all that anyone heard when he stepped up to the podium to speak were confusing chittering noises. No one was sure how a squirrel had gotten into the press conference, and eventually the squirrel was shewed away from the podium to make room for Mr. Coleman’s press agent. The squirrel, tired of being the only press agent in town no one understood, decided to go back to his old job, which was storing nuts in his cheeks.  Everyone loved when he did that, and sometimes he could make forty, even fifty bucks a day, which he then spent on grain alcohol that he used to keep from having to think about how terribly lonely it was living alone in a tree.