Christian Energy Drinks! That’s Stupid.

By Daniel Dominguez on January 4th, 2010

50cent Following Moses’s Biblical command to, “Drink thee of the Taurine and of the Caffeine to get ****ing amped, son!” Trinity brand Christian clothing has come out with its own energy drink. The energy drink, they claim, is “fused with the fruit of the spirit.” In the old days, before God got involved in energy drinks, hot chicks used to combine them with vodka merely so they could feel like they were losing weight while they made out with strangers in the men’s room at the clubs they drove to in their friend’s dad’s H2 Hummer. Now they can do all that and get eternal salvation at the exact same time.

When asked at a press conference why he had decided to put out his own energy drink, God stated, “I just like fucking with 50 Cent.” This isn’t the first time 50 Cent has done something, only to have God be a hater and get up on his shit. After 50 got shot nine times, God came out the very next month and one-upped him, getting shot ten times. When 50 Cent bought a chinchilla for a pet just to be different, God immediately went to Petco and bought a lemur, which everyone agrees is totally weirder and definitely cuter than a chinchilla. God even released a statement saying he was thinking about changing his name to 500 cent, which is reported to be somewhere between ten and twelve times more cents than 50.

“God always be jockin’ my shit,” 50 cent said, because 50 cent can only say simple sentences. This is due partly to the fact that he has been shot so many times in the mouth, and partly to the fact that he is not terribly bright. Shortly after 50 cent told reporters that he was tired of God jockin’ his shit he tried to brush his teeth with a stick, attempted unsuccessfully to wear his pants like a shirt, forgot to breathe for several minutes, and then passed out.

That aside, the Trinity Energy Drink, in addition to being infused with the fruit of the spirit, has a lot of other benefits. It is only 10 calories, it tastes like pomegranates, it can kill a vampire, and when gay people drink it it turns them straight and makes their favorite football team the Atlanta Falcons.