Now I know what a lot of you are saying right now. Ben Stein is not a woman. And there are things about that statement that are correct. However, Ben Stein has a lot going for him in terms of feminine sexuality. For one thing, he doesn’t believe in evolution, probably due to an extreme excess of estrogen, which scientists generally agree is what causes people to disbelieve in basic fundamental truths**. Secondly, his hands are tiny and slim and covered in diamonds, like a woman. He has big red lips that would be great for sucking on, or from hanging small 7-10 lbs. objects from. His eyes are the brightest pitch black of any pitch black eyes I have ever seen.
Listen, I am attracted to Ben Stein, but I’m not a homosexual. Although there is nothing wrong with being a homosexual. Homosexuals are an important group of people that have made incredible contributions to our society. They introduced the idea of not being allowed to be married, which many brave senators are now trying to make a law for heterosexuals as well. A homosexual invented the cotton gin, and the Atari Turbo-Grafix 16. My own brother is gay, and he’s incredibly fun to be around, because his homosexuality has helped him be more gregarious and also know an impressive amount about tofu.
Despite that, Ben Stein is appealing to me, and to most other men who really think about it, as a type of woman. I prefer my women to be stoic to the point where I don’t know whether they’re lecturing me or fast asleep. That’s Ben Stein. I like my women to taste like an old piece of toast filled with tweed jacket material. That’s Ben Stein. I like my women to attempt to discredit scientific principles that are necessary to successfully understanding how the world works. That’s Ben Stein. I like my women to be the victim of Ferris Bueller’s freewheeling lifestyle. That’s Ben Stein.
I guess what I’m saying is, though Ben Stein doesn’t look as good in a thong, or slowly eating an apple as some of the other Chickolith girls, give him a chance.
** That’s kinda sexist, and though I wrote it, I am offended by it and don’t agree with it.
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