Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

By Daniel Dominguez on December 30th, 2009

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Us non-celebrities aren’t the only ones with New Year’s Resolutions. Sure, our resolutions are usually simpler or more basic, like my resolutions from last year:

“Try to be warm.”

“Convince guy at liquor store that the EBT card works for alcohol.”

“Fix my front door to keep stray dog from continuing to come in and eat all my unrefrigerated meat.”

Or my neighbor Randy The Glue-Sniffing Addict’s resolution from this year: Get more glue.

People think that celebrities have everything they could ever want thus not requiring resolutions, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. Their years can be tough, and their resolutions are just as straight from the heart. To illustrate that, below is a list of Celebrity New Years resolutions for the year 2010:

Shia Lebouf
This year, I want to practice having more than two facial expressions. This year I will work hard to add the facial expressions “pensive” and “anguished” to my previous expressions, “urgent” and “no expression.”

Harrison Ford
“In 2010 I plan to build a machine that will take me back to 1980. Failing that I will use my own money to make an ill-fated sequel to K-19: The Widowmaker, and then stay home all year sending myself fake invitations to the Academy Awards.”

Tupac Shakur
“This year I will continue to pretend to be dead.”

Notorious B.I.G.
“This year I will continue to secretly be building the world’s largest submarine sandwich so that I may live inside of it.”

Brendan Fraser
“This year I will stop going into the Starbucks near my house and shouting ‘Do you know who I am? I’m Brendan Fucking Fraser!’ until they make me leave.”

Seth Green
“This year I will finally admit that I am also Jamie Kennedy.”

Barack Obama
“This year I will end the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, close Guantanamo, orchestrate real and effective Health Care change, end the homophobic and unnecessary don’t ask don’t tell policy, and push through effective initiatives to end global warming….. AHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Just kidding, new years, just kidding. I won’t do any of that. Hey, who wants to lift me up by my hips so I can dunk?”

Rob Schneider
“I will finally once and for all open my eyes so wide that they completely fall out of my head. Then I will run around screaming and accidentally step on them.”

Osama Bin Laden
“I will stop spending so much money at the Banana Republic, I don’t care how cable-knit their scarves might be.”

Tom Petty
“Last dance with Mary Jane/ One more time to kill the pain/ I feel summer creepin’ in/and I’m tired of this town again.”

Angelina Jolie
” This year I’m going to eat something… at some point.. I’ll eat a fry… or I’ll eat some granol- *at this point Angelina Jolie faints and does not complete the resolution, a young boy finds her rail-thin body, thinks it is a pair of pajamas, and wears it to bed.

Lindsay Lohan
“I’m going to show my beaver to the cops. And then I’m going to get arrested for fucking a fire hydrant in broad daylight next to a preschool. Then I’m going to try to get high off of burning tire smoke.“

Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel
“I can’t make a resolution. I am a feature film, I have no intellect, and therefore can wish for nothing.”

Clint Eastwood
Clint Eastwood doesn’t make New Year’s resolutions because he thinks New Years resolutions are for pussies. Although, in 2010 he does plan to open a store where people can come and bring their dull knives and sharpen them on his hard, bark-like facial skin. But that’s not a resolution, that’s just another bad ass thing that he plans to do because he can.