“Avatar,” the latest sci-fi opus from director James Cameron, has been out for less than a month and it’s raking in huge bucks at the box office, but it’s already one of the most bootlegged films of all time. I’ve traveled through five airports in the last nine days, and all across this land, from sea to shining sea, people are watching the hell out of the “Avatar” bootleg. Waiting at gates in LAX, in the tiny House of Blues at Midway, and on planes 35,000 ft. over Georgia, laptop screens, iPods, and portable DVD players are glowing neon blue with the most anticipated and illegally downloaded movie of the year. As far as I can tell, if you’ve been traveling through airports this season, you’ve probably also been traveling though the jungles of Pandora with Neytiri, and Jake Sully, and Dr. Grace Augustine via the magic of a stolen .avi file. So many people are watching the “Avatar” bootleg that it’s just easier to make note of the people who aren’t. So, for the record, here are the few sad souls I’ve seen not watching the bootleg and their even sadder reasons why.
Blind Guy – Immune to the film’s epic effects and sweeping visuals, overpowered by its silly dialogue.
Handcuffed FBI Witness – Being escorted to New York to testify in big mob trial. Too busy looking over his shoulder for mob hitmen sent to keep him from testifying. His FBI escort however, was riveted. Fortunately, so was mob hitman sent to keep him from testifying.
Small Chihuahua – Clearly drugged. Nearby schnauzer was alert and engaged.
Creepy Guy – When I say he had a huge boner for the Na’vi (the bright blue, half-naked blue cat people in Avatar) that’s not a metaphor meaning that he was really excited about the Na’vi. He literally had a huge boner, and his sweatpants left little to the imagination. He would also gently place a hand on the shoulder of the person next to him and sigh loudly. It was weirding everyone out. We made him go sit on the other side of the terminal.
Sad Old Guy – Said he loved Avatar but couldn’t bare to see it not in 3D on an IMAX screen. Said it was like when he saw his boy come home from Afghanistan with no legs. Maybe worse. Everyone stared at their shoes for a minute and didn’t say anything, because what do you say to something that intense? People went back to watching the movie, but silently respected Sad Old Guy for his decision.
Guy With iPhone – Jealous that, for the first time in months, no one wanted to see his dumb ol’ iPhone. Tried to convince us that he’d downloaded the Avatar app. When it become clear he was lying, he was swiftly kicked to death by a pilot.
Some Dutch Guy – Yelling about a fire or something. I don’t know. It was during the totally awesome attack Hometree scene, so I wasn’t really paying attention.
Guy From MPAA – Tried to lecture everyone at gate about how bootlegging movies is stealing and we were all committing a crime and blah, blah, blah. A frat guy from UT pantsed him and we all laughed. He tried to run away, but kept tripping on his pants. Later we could hear him crying in the bathroom.
Republican Senator – Trying to have gay sex with crying MPAA Guy in the bathroom.
Na’vi Exchange Student – Found the film too “minstrel-y.” Also, trying stay away from Creepy Guy.
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