Mormons: They’re Cooler Than Us Now

By Daniel Dominguez on December 29th, 2009

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No one saw it coming. Every time some 19 year old white kid in a paisley shirt came to our door and asked us if we knew of the writings of Joseph Smith, we did what anyone would do in that circumstance: laugh heartily, throw something at them, and then close the door while they were still talking.  But the days when Mormons could be ignored just because they say things that make no sense and they seem ineffectual are over, my friends.  Sure, they think pastels make sense on an adult male.  Sure, they’re afraid of the Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. Sure, their beliefs about homosexuality aren’t exactly what you’d call “modern”, but Mormons have come up.  Mormons have taken control of our two coolest demographics: teen girls and hipsters.  Mormons are behind the illogically popular Twilight series of books and films and behind the actually very funny Napoleon Dynamite and the recently released Gentlemen Broncos. They also made “Nacho Libre,” which was basically the racist equivalent of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop,” but two out of three ain’t bad. Mormons have taken control of vampires. Do you have any idea how hard it is to take control of a vampire? Nothing like this has happened since 1678, when the Puritans captured an entire werewolf clan, and used them to do their bidding. Which comprised mostly of churning butter, and eating Native Americans.

It won’t be long now before Mormons take over all the rest of our cool things. Below is a list of the cool things Mormons have their sites set on that, if we’re not careful, before we know it they’ll be in complete control of:

Ironic T-Shirts

Ironic T-Shirts are to hipsters what teardrop tattoos are to gang members. If you’re wearing one, it means that you’ve killed someone. If you’re wearing three of them at the same time, it means that you’ve killed three people. Perhaps that is a misunderstanding. Either way, we don’t want Mormons taking over this fabled institution or else we will no longer get an enjoyable little chuckle out of seeing a 22 year old kid with a waxed mustache walking around wearing a t-shirt with a Unicorn that says “You’re Gay” on it.  Instead, we’ll get boring, displeasing baggy t-shirts (because seeing muscle definition is against God’s will) that say things like “Coffee is for the Wicked” and “3.2% alcohol by volume is enough for me!”

Rap

Here is a picture of a typical rapper before Mormon influence.  Here is a picture of a typical rapper after Mormon influence. Mormons should never be allowed to get a hold of rap. They already thought it was a good idea to make vampires sparkle, just think what they’ll want rappers to do. If Mormons get control of rap, they’ll get rid of swearing, booty, excessive pride, and drugs and alcohol. The four pillars of what make that institution great. Imagine rap if Mormons had their way and every rapper waited until marriage to have sex, abstained from substance abuse, and practiced humility.  This is a sample of an Ice Cube song prior to Mormon influence: “The ladies say I’m like Leonardo Da Vinci meets Alexander the Great/ In the bedroom cuz I take over the booty and paint that shit with my elephant dick/ If I see a white bitch/ I’ll shoot her in the snatch/ steal her fuckin car/ and get drunk on her corpse“. Now check out those same lyrics after Mormons have taken over rap: “I’m only good at anything because God has given me so many gifts/ If I see a woman walking by, whatever her race/ I’ll ask her to go to a movie, and then wait to hold her hand until our seventh date.”

MTV

If Mormons take control of MTV we’ll be doomed. Carson Daily will be given free reign to do whatever he wishes, they’ll censor things for excessive swearing or political content. Weird Al Yankovic will get his own special ever year because of his good-hearted, inoffensive food based humor… John Mayer will be painted as edgy…. oh God. It’s already happened. Mormons already own MTV.