Whites Are Going To Be a Minority In 2050!

By Daniel Dominguez on December 28th, 2009

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A collective howl of fear went of from every specialty frozen yogurt shop in the country last week when it was announced that white people would no longer be the majority in the United States in 2050.  All across America white people and primarily white serving business and products battened down their hatches.  How I Met Your Mother and Two and Half Men added Mexican characters.  AMC shut down entirely. Lou Dobbs wore a Sombrero, and grimaced.

But don’t worry White people, take it from us minorities, things won’t be so bad. We all appreciate you setting aside whole swaths of Inglewood, South Central, and the really industrial parts of East Los Angeles for us to live in, and we plan to return the favor.  Sure, when 2050 hits we plan to put make the walk from Home Depot to your gated community and take over your houses, but you can have East Los Angeles. Yes I know it looks like its about to be raining all the time because of all the deep brown pollution that clouds the area, but on the flipside we do a have very run down Chucky Cheese you can eat at. Sure, they’re the only Chucky Cheese in Los Angeles that routinely runs out of pizza, but you’ll be fine.

There are lots of other great things about being a minority. For instance, you get the “cool factor.” Because you are part of a permanent underclass, the majority of the nation’s youth’ll think that means you’re dangerous and hip. So guess what, in 2050 our teenagers will be emulating you, white people.  So be prepared to see Mexican and Black kids wearing ironic vests, Weezer glasses, and trying to make bank shots when they play basketball. Tom Hanks will be the new Will Smith. He’ll be the white guy everybody feels good about. I know what you’re saying, Tom Hanks won’t be alive in 2050. But he will be. He is so charming that his charm literally slows his aging process. It’s a little known fact that Tom Hanks was born in 1787, and was actually a respected and feared Union General in the American Civil War. But he doesn’t look a day over 40.

So keep it up, white people, and maybe if you’re good by the year 2150 you’re great great grand kids will live to see a White Male President.