Midgets Vs. Mascots

By Paul Cibis on December 25th, 2009

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The new comedy Midgets Vs. Mascots sells itself as a “shockumentary”, but it never manages to be as shocking, or funny, as it’s trying to be. The fake documentary’s plot starts with the death of a Texas millionaire/little person/former porn star/former sports mascot. His wacky, high-concept will stipulates that his ne’er-do-well son and cheating trophy wife must compete for their inheritance in a wacky, high-concept competition. The son (who is of regular size) must coach a team of five little people against the trophy wife’s team of five costumed mascots in constest consisting of thirty crazy stunts. Each player on the winning team gets a million dollars and the winning coach gets five million dollars for themselves. Gary Coleman is the most recognizable name in the movie, playing himself at the leader of the team of little people. Despite the movie’s best attempts at shock humor it never manages to be more than a dull slog.

Midgets Vs. Mascots bills itself as “Borat“ meets “Jackass”, but it lacks lacks the inventiveness or balls of either and seems to entirely miss the point of what makes those films funny. What works about Sasha Barron Cohen’s faux docs is his kamikaze willingness to directly engage unsuspecting people. Cohen confronts people with his alter-egos and then builds comedy out of their reactions to his insanity. Jackass meanwhile delivers on the visceral level of watching charming circus geeks destroy their bodies for your amusement. Johnny Knoxville is willing to actually get maced or tasered or ride a shopping cart down a hill and into a wall because he hopes you’ll think it’s funny. The problem with”Midgets Vs. Mascots” is that there are very few people in the world able to do what Sasha Barron Cohen does and maybe even fewer willing to do what Johnny Knoxville does (by that I mean get kicked in the balls on purpose, not have sex with Jessica Simpson. The line for that stunt is very, very long) and the odds of getting any of those people, let alone ten of them, in your low budget “shockumentary” is next to nil. As a result, M Vs. M never has the courage of its convictions and instead of reaching the dizzying heights of profanity of Borat or the “I can’t believe they’re really doing that” shock of “Jackass,” it just feels like a dumb, boob-filled knockoff of a Christopher Guest film.

The movie tries to blend obviously scripted scenes with stunts that may or may not have been actually sprung on an unsuspecting public, but both segments are so devoid of laughs that everything ends up feeling equally manufactured. When the two teams sit down in a restaurant and face off in a milk chugging contest that results in copious amounts of vomit, maybe the people sitting at nearby tables are actual, disgusted patrons, but then maybe the whole thing is staged and they’re just extras pretending to be shocked. It’s hard to tell. Conceptually, the scene is funnier if the diners are all real people, which leads me to believe that they’re not. Later, the teams have to wander through a bar and see who can get punched in the face after tossing out the fewest insults. It’s a funny idea and some clever writing and performing could have made this a great scene, but clever is in short supply throughout “Midgets Vs. Mascots” so the whole thing plays out like a badly written comedy sketch. There is a small amount of amusement in watching a guy in a giant foam taco suit get smacked to the ground, but it wears out fast.

Another gag that wears out fast is Gary Coleman playing himself as an angry dwarf always ready to fight any regular sized person who looks at him funny. I think we’ve officially reached the point where “angry dwarf” has become a cliche just as stale as “magical dwarf“ or “killer dwarf.”  Peter Dinklage has basically made a career out of it and Jordan Prentice, who also stars in “Midgets Vs. Mascots,” played it to a tee in last year’s under seen “In Bruges,” but I think we need to call a moratorium at this point.

At one point during “Midgets Vs. Mascots” Gary Coleman remarks “I don’t do anything personally or professionally repugnant.” It’s unfortunate that by the end of the movie this is still true. “Midgets Vs. Mascots” is never inventive enough to shock or crass enough to offend, it’s just an unfunny misfire. There are some boobs in it, so it’s not a complete wast of time, it’s just a pale imitation of grosser, funnier comedies. As a matter of fact, “Bruno” is probably on HBO right now. Go watch that instead.