Americans Will Watch Pretty Much Anything

By Daniel Dominguez on December 25th, 2009

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I just sat through a half-hour last night of a show where the entire show was Great White Sharks jumping.  No one really said or did anything. Great white sharks just jumped out of the water for brief periods, and then quickly landed back in the water. This went on for half an hour. Which was exactly 150% more stimulating than anything Dr. Oz has ever done.  Dr. Oz is a barely-literate man with pedophile eyes who gives people advice that may or may not help them at six o’ clock every day. Then there is Law and Order: SVU. If Law and Order was People Magazine, SVU would be Us Weekly, which is the version of People magazine that they make for people who need their magazines to double as the curtains on their trailers.

Yet there is a point every day where Law and Order: SVU is on four times in a row. That’s four uninterrupted hours of sensationalized rape/murder glamorizing blather. And that is one of the most stimulating shows currently on television. There is a show where the entire show is just things move really slowly.  That exists. The OC and The Hills are supposed to make rich kids whining about how “being bisexual is so 1997″ while they drive around with the top down seem like they deserve empathy, which they do not. Then the rest of TV is just reality television, which can be summed up in a single image: a drunk hot chick in a bikini throwing up into a jacuzzi.

Guys, I’m just saying, for every half hour of a failed rock star picking which slutty girl he’s going to hit with a rake, there should be at least five minutes dedicated to explaining how to lower your carbon footprint.  I don’t want an exact ratio of Jim Belushi playfully berating Heather Locklear to coverage of the Israel/Palestine conflict, I just think it might be useful if the next generation growing up doesn’t think that, when you’re an adult, the right thing to do if you get into an argument is to steal the favorite cowboy hat of the person you’re arguing with and then wear it while you make out with their best friend in the lifeboat on the side of the ship you and seven hot strangers are supposed to live on for a year for the chance to win a million dollars.