Every year since the dawn of time, Manolith.com has dedicated a very special blog to the retelling of the most important story in the history of humankind. Some historians have argued that the most important story in the history of humankind is Stephen King’s “Gerald’s Game.” Those historians are idiots. The most important story is The Christmas Story. It is the most important story because it is about the Baby Jesus who was simultaneously the most important, and the most ticklish baby of all. Seriously, if you even tried to touch that kid he would just about shit himself.
Some people suggest that the story of Christmas is a fallacy, that Christmas was a pagan holiday adopted by Christians to popularize their movement, and that Jesus, if he ever existed, probably was born some time much earlier in the year. Those people hate America. And they should be reported to the CIA and placed in camps.
This year Manolith.com asked a 9 year old boy named Tim who loved Transformers 2 to tell us what he understood the Christmas Story to be. This is what he said:
“First there was a baby. Not just any baby. This baby was so cool that he wanted to save us. But he couldn’t cuz he were a baby and babies are dumb and small like my sister Katy who gets everything she wants cuz she’s so spoiled. Hey, look! (At this point, Tim gets distracted by a small dog, and it takes several minutes to guide his attention back to the story). So anyway, the Baby Jesus needed to get stronger to save us all so he called Megatron and Megatron gave him jet arms and also he could now turn into a truck, any truck he wanted cuz he was jesus. But Megatron was bad so he made jesus’ jet arms bad and they flew backwards and jesus crashed into Mary and they both laughed and laughed but then they were dead. But Jesus was like, “Whatever DUDE! I’m Jesus so I’m not dead,” and then he made everyone a piece of candy that they liked the most and they all watched hockey with my Dad. My Dad that I like not mom’s boyfriend Leo who makes us all eat spaghetti with the white sauce and yells at mom all the time for not being fast enough but I think she’s fast. Hey I don’t feel so good (Tim then vomits into a napkin, and I realize that he’s been drinking my coffee while I’ve been taking notes, I reprimand him, but secretly admire his disobedience). I asked my mom if baby jesus has superpowers and she said of course and then I asked her if he ever had sex with cat woman and she said how do you know what sex is and I said I don’t but I think I do. Amen.”
**Happy Holidays from Daniel Dominguez, Tim, and everybody at Manolith.com. Even the reluctant janitor who looks at us like he hates us because he’s the only person who has to get here at five in the morning.**
Comments
Gokemidoro
December 26th, 2009 - 10:00:37 PM
LOL! This kid's easily the best story of the year! He even overtakes Sarah Palin for the most creative revisionism ever made (and a LOT more convincing, too!)!
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