This Christmas, as you are unwrapping a pair of second-hand Air Jordans from last weeks funny pages (because your main-squeeze refuses to waste money on actual gift-wrap supplies), take a moment to thank baby Jesus that you don’t live in China, where dogs cost $500,000.
That’s right; a pure-bred Tibetan Mastiff costs almost as much as the Detroit Silverdome. A fucking dog. A pile of hair and slobber whose shit you are legally obligated to pick up off the sidewalk can, in China, fetch more than a white baby on the Black Market. Now, I love dogs–they are awesome–but you have to admit that unless you live on a ranch or never expect to know the love of another human being, dogs are just pets and basically good for nothing. Wait, scratch that… having a dog also makes it considerably less awkward when you hit on girls at the local dog park. But even then you’ll still be sinking significant portions of your hard earned wad on dog food, dog toys, leashes, muzzles, condoms (for the girls at the park), and you’re never going to see a return on any of that. It’s money down the drain. So how do you justify such a price tag? I mean, $500,000 is way too much to spend on Chinese food, no matter how authentic. The answer is so simple I feel like a failure for not having thought of it already: prostitution. One pimp in Beijing charges $30,000 per session with his main earner, a Tibetan Mastiff named Obama. If he’s anything like my dog back home, Obama makes at least $1.8 million an hour.
My advice for the New Year is to start whoring out your dog and to buy yourself some new shoes.
Last Minute Panic Gift Ideas Here!
Comments
Kyle
December 31st, 2009 - 5:46:02 PM
All you unemployed folks - start pimping out your dogs!
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