Sure, in North America Santa is a fat happy capitalist who rewards good behavior with material possessions, teaching North Americans the dual lessons that have served this country well for so long: get fat and have stuff; but the American Santa isn’t the only Santa, he’s the just the Santa with the most access to nuclear weapons as a deterrent. Lots of other Santas don’t have nuclear weapons at their disposal, or even reindeer to serve as Predator Drones to deliver them to remote targets, but they’re still cool in their own right. They’re just less cool because they aren’t American, and America is the coolest because it says so in the constitution. Article I. Look it up.
Let’s take a trip through Santa Town together and check out the many diverse Santas of other nations, as part of Manolith’s effort to educate its readers culturally, which we do through articles like this, and by talking about how hot Anna Paquin is.
In Puerto Rico there is no Santa Claus. Instead they believe that the Three Kings of the Bible come to bring them gifts, and they leave grass under their bed. They do this for two reasons: One, because they believe the camels the Three Kings ride around on bringing gifts will be hungry for grass, and Two, because they are poor and all they own are grass shavings.
In Wales Santa is known as Sion Corn, and he’s pretty much exactly like the North American Santa. A great guy, really overweight, brings children presents if they were good, coal if they were bad. The only thing that really sets him apart from the North American version of Santa is that is he is Pro-Choice.
In England, Santa is represented by Father Christmas, a soot covered slightly overweight man in a gray suit who makes subtle, sarcastic jokes about the weather and loves Indian food, but detests Indians. He is especially known for his tendency to get quiet whenever anyone mentions how England used to be the most powerful nation in the world, and instead of reindeer he rides in a giant teacup full of organically grown carrots and bowler hats, yet somehow he was able to conquer large swaths of Africa.
*Little Known Fact: In the U.S. and Canada, Santa Claus’s wife’s full name is Jessica Mary Claus. Her middle name is derived from Mary, the mother of Jesus, and her first name is derived from Jessica Simpson, the mother of vapid, erotic smiling.
In Brazil Santa is known as Papa Noel. Papa Noel is incredibly tan, and spends most of his time having sex with sixteen year-old girls.
In Germany children get presents from Christkind, a nine foot-tall blonde-haired, blue-eyed, musclebound warrior Santa who has no tolerance for weakness or indecision. Christkind cuts through a family’s chimney with a giant dull sword, lands in the living room, lights a high-tar cigarette, and then asks the children what they want for Christmas. If they show even a moment’s hesitation, he kicks their head off of their body so as to keep them from reproducing and diluting the master race.
Gwiazdor is the name of the Polish Santa. Gwiazdor is a half-retarded ex-soldier who stumbles into places he does not belong and breaks things and then is escorted out by the clearly frustrated store owner.
In Russia Santa is known as Father Frost. He lives in a giant castle made of ice in a desolate remote part of the Siberian Tundra. He is weak from loneliness and spends most of his time writing a play about isolation in which all of the main characters are already dead, which may or may not be called “The Cherry Orchard.”