Kim Kardashian, or as she is known by her father “The Daughter I Have That Makes People Horny For Money”, was recently in a Carl’s Jr. ad that is part of a series of Carl’s Jr. adds where they have hot women give food some form of sexual congress. The implication of the add seems to be that if you leave your Carl’s Jr. chicken salad on your porch over night, and come out the next morning, you will find that Kim Kardashian has had sex with it. At that point you may or may not still want to eat it.
But there are lots of woman to food product combinations that Carl’s Jr. still hasn’t done yet that I, and I believe, the world would like to see. Which is why below I have made a list of Carl’s Jr. woman eating food sexilly commercials that I’d like to see in the future.
- Eating a Spicy Chicken Sandwich: I think it would be very sexy to see Precious sitting in her room, staring in her cracked mirror while her mother yells at her to open the door eating spicy chicken sandwich after spicy chicken sandwich. Then at the end of the add she can draw an X on the mirror with lipstick over her face, and then put her head in her giant, well-intentioned hands.
-Eating a Santa Fe Chicken Sandwich: The whole add could be Carrie Prejean biting lustily into the Sante Fe Sandwich, rubbing it gently on her lips, and then a cameraman could whisper to her, “Hey, did you know that sandwich is Mexican?” And then she could say, “I think I’m going to be sick,” and throw it back up. Then she could throw a bowie knife at a gay couple.
3. Brett Butler
-Eating anything on the dollar menu: Brett Butler could slump tiredly on a threadbare couch after a hard day working as a garbage collector and tiredly eat an item from the dollar menu and talk about how she doesn’t have much money because she’s a working single mother. Then the director could say, “Hey Brett, do something sexy with that burger.” And she could reply, “What? What the fuck? Didn’t I just say I was tired? Goddamnit!” And then leave the set, and the last 10 seconds of the add could just be the empty couch.