Christmas Gifts Not to Get for Your Girlfriend

By Juan Aguilar on December 22nd, 2009

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Am I an expert on gift-giving? Probably not. Am I an expert on women? No, not on them, behind them, or as they dangle precariously above me. This is exactly why thinking – and gifting – like me is the last thing you want this Christmas if you wanna win brownie points with your special lady. To help ensure your proper acquisition of said points, I’ve cooked up this handy list of gifts you’re better off not giving.

10. A Gift Card

Nothing says “Oh shit, I totally forgot to get you a real present!” like a gift card. Her response is likely to contain a bit more cursing.

9. Cookware

By and large, women hate gender stereotyping, and cookware and vacuum cleaners are the best way to touch this sore spot. Unless she specifically asked for new pots and pans, don’t get them, unless you really love the taste of Taco Bell.

8. Season Tickets for Your Favorite Team

You know that look women give you when you leave the toilet seat up? That look of fresh, piping-hot murder? Prepare to get that for a whole fucking year if this is your gift to her. Arguments like, “You’ll thank me when you see what Rajon Rondo can do on the court,” aren’t gonna help your case.

7. Alcohol

Just because your burnout friends were stoked about the bottles of Goldshlager (or Jaegermeister) you got for them doesn’t mean your girlfriend will respond the same way. Sure, you want her good and drunk, but you really should get that job done before she opens her gifts.

6. Twilight Calendar

There are few constants in the universe, and here’s one of them: chicks fucking love Twilight. As cheap as it is to buy a calendar, she’ll probably love it. The downside is that you’ve lost any hope of her not fantasizing about Taylor Lautner’s wolf dick when you two do the nasty.

5. Anything Originally Owned by Your Mother

You’ve grown accustomed to living in Weird-Oedipal-Creepville; good for you. However, it is a strange and frightening place for your main squeeze, and you should do everything you can to make sure she stays out of it. Giving her shit your mom used to own is pretty much a one-way ticket there.

4. Acne Cream

If you think giving your girl acne cream is a good idea, chances are you have really poor judgment. With this in mind, I’m going to state the obvious: when the inevitable argument begins, resist the urge to say, “It’s not for your face, it’s for your back.”

3. Exercise Equipment

If you’re dating a porker, it’s a bit unrealistic to think that a fucking thighmaster is going to make her more attractive to you, or that it won’t be flying at your head moments after it’s unwrapped. Do yourself a favor and buy her something she actually wants, then pretend it’s Christina Hendricks the next time your hands are on her ponderous booty.

2. A Vibrator

Buying a vibrator for a woman you have sex with is basically admitting that your dick is useless. It’s like hiring your replacement at work before giving your two-weeks notice.

1. Absolutely Nothing

So your girl said she doesn’t want to exchange gifts this year? Bullshit. This is really just woman-ese for, “I’m not buying you shit, but you damn well better get me something.” Technically, she didn’t lie, since you won’t be exchanging anything. Buy chocolates, a new pair of shoes, even a sweater for her cat: get her anything (as long as it’s not on this list). Anything! If not, enjoy your stay in the doghouse.