The Vampire Diaries. Twilight. True Blood. Countless vampire movies. There are way the hell too many vampires. And they don’t even follow vampire rules anymore. The vampires in The Vampire Diaries can play football during the day. That doesn’t even make sense. Traditionally the only things that had the ability to play high school football during the day were assholes and that one sensitive guy on the team that didn’t care what the other guys on the team said, he saw something special in that quiet girl that liked to read under the tree alone. Vampires don’t play football. Vampires drink blood and whine about how crappy it is to live forever, and that’s it. The vampires in Twilight fucking sparkle. You know what sparkles? My Little Pony and lip gloss. Not vampires. If tween girls like to put it on their lips, it shouldn’t be something vampires do. Also, The Vampire Diaries’ vampires advertise for T-Mobile, and it is a well known fact that real vampires hate T-Mobile, because T-Mobile has difficult-to-parse customer contracts.
So not only are their too many vampires, but because of the glut of vampire stuff they had to start inventing crappy new things for the vampires to do that don’t make sense. Imagine how Count Dracula would feel if he was shoving a rebelling villager onto a spear and he looked up and his hot son was too busy sparkling and running Hail Marys to help him shove villagers onto spears. He would be practically beside himself. He would have to sit down.
There are so many monsters out there besides vampires so lets have a little variety here, folks lest we fall into the trap of uniformity. I get it, vampires are sexy, that’s why people like them. Fine. As a result, I have comprised a list of monsters that could stand to get a little more play to break up the vampire monotony a bit, that I think are just as sexy as vampires.
1. The Creature From the Black Lagoon
I know that vampires are getting a lot of play cuz they are so sexy. But the Creature from the Black Lagoon can be sexy too. Sure, he has gills, his skin is leathery reptile skin, and he can’t stop killing, but he has lots of sexy traits too. For instance, he is confident, he wears Lucky Brand Jeans, and he can guess your bra size just by looking at you.
2. Pinhead, from Hellraiser
If you think vampires are sexy, wait till you get a load of pinhead. Yeah, it’s not particularly sexy that he has hundreds of pins stuck in his head, or that he will probably have chains tear you apart, but he does come from an entire universe dedicated to sex. Vampires don’t come from an entire universe dedicated to sex. They come from Bon Temps, Louisiana, as indicated by True Blood. And Bon Temps, Louisiana only exports three things: mosquitoes, racism, and vampires. Only one of which is sexy. I’ll leave you to guess which. I’ll give you hint. It’s racism.
3. Hannibal Lecter
Women routinely answer quizzes in the back of Cosmo magazine asking what they look for in a man by saying they want three things: a good sense of humor, intelligence, and cannibalism. Hannibal Lecter is all of those things, and he also knows a lot about wine and classical music. Both of which are also sexy things. Imagine if the show The Vampire Diaries got replaced by the show The Hannibal Lecter Diaries, and instead of teenage vampire brothers who play football, it was hot teen twin Hannibal Lecter brothers. They could both be played by Anthony Hopkins, and special effects could be used to give them dark indie kid hair that they could sexily brush out of their eyes.
4. The Garbage Pail Kids
Nobody is sexier than the Garbage Pail Kids. Those monster kids don’t give a fuck about anything, especially their hygiene. And women love a guy that doesn’t seem to give a crap, especially if he doesn’t give a crap so much that he decides to live inside of garbage. Which explains the old saying, “I wish I was homeless because those guys get the most pussy.”