15 Most Ridiculous So-Called Aphrodisiacs

By The Manolith Team on December 21st, 2009

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There have been a lot of supposed aphrodisiacs over the millennia, and some even showed some promise. It’s easy to understand how we might be so easily duped into thinking some of them might work — any food or substance that could make our sex lives better is worth checking out, after all. The surprising thing is that so many of these so-called aphrodisiacs are still in use today, despite modern science, disregarding all common sense. These are the 15 most ridiculous of those substances.

Rhinoceros Horn

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While it’s true that the rhinoceros horn does somewhat resemble an erect penis, it has absolutely no other links to sex, at all. Unfortunately for the rhinoceros, people have gone to great lengths for quite some time now to hunt them to the brink of extinction — in the belief that the horns could up their game.

Fugu

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Fugu, famous worldwide for being the Japanese dish that could actually kill the person eating it, has always been prized as an aphrodisiac. Unlike most so-called aphrodisiacs, this one can actually make the affected person feel a tingling sensation in the extremities. It’s not arousal — it’s the poison.

Mannish Water

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This one already sounds bad, but it’s not used men’s bathwater. Mannish water is a Jamaican delicacy, and it’s also known as goat soup. Granted, eating goats in and of itself isn’t that troublesome, but this stuff tends to include the whole head and brains. There’s nothing sexy about goat brains.

Urine

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This one may not be big in our part of the world, but many other cultures still believe that urine has special properties as a medicinal supplement. The fact of the matter is, whether it be cow, baboon, cat or human urine, it’s not going to make an unsexy situation any sexier if you or your partner drink the stuff. This rule goes double for R. Kelly.

Artichoke

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A classic but a silly one, artichokes are in no way an aphrodisiac. You can certainly make them a sensual enough meal — if you’re into that sort of thing — and they do somewhat resemble a womb when cut into cross-sections, but there is nothing otherwise sexual about them.

Spanish Fly

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There’s a great deal of ancient history behind the use of Spanish fly as an aphrodisiac, and much of it sounds pretty promising. It’s still used by people the world over on farm animals to get them in the mood, but its use on human beings is in sharp decline. The reason for it is pretty simple, it was used because it induces what could be a rather painful (and harmful) priapism, and that’s just at the lower dosage. 

Toad Venom

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Toad venom, also called love stone, or more properly, bufotoxin, is not used so much these days outside of China. The reasons are manifold, but chief among them is the fact that it just doesn’t work. It also doesn’t help any that the stuff is both technically poison and comes out of frogs.

Green M&Ms

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As funny as it sounds, green M&Ms have been wrongly placed as an aphrodisiac since the 70’s, and the joke’s gotten so big that Mars Inc. got in on it and introduced the sexy Green M&M in their commercials. Oddly, it’s the only color to have remained constant since the candy first sold in 1941.

Cow Cod Soup

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Using a word like cod in the name of this Jamaican delicacy is nothing short of a sneaky trick. It should be called cow penis soup, because that’s exactly what it is, and just as pan-fried bull penis won’t increase libido, neither will a soggy soup analogue of like taste.

Ambergris

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Ambergris has been used throughout history as any number of useful things, but chief among them have been as major perfume ingredient and aphrodisiac. The funny thing is, despite its polished name, ambergris is nothing but sperm whale vomit. It has no aphrodisiac properties, and before it ages in salt water and sunlight, the stuff reeks.

Balut

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Balut may have an effect on westerners to the tune of ipecac, but it’s a pretty common snack throughout Southeast Asia and widely thought to be an aphrodisiac. Needless to say, it isn’t. If you’ve got your heart set on eating a nearly-birthed chicken or duck, just make sure your girl’s got the same open-minded taste buds as you.

Asparagus

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Whether it’s because of the phallic shape, or the affect it has on urine’s smell, asparagus has become one seriously popular vegetable in the sex department. Centuries have passed since people first started treating these smelly things like aphrodisiacs, and nothing much has changed. We still don’t even know for sure why it makes our pee smell so bad, but we do know there’s nothing sexy in asparagus.

Placenta

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This is also not a joke. There are many people who believe that eating the afterbirth, or placenta, will kick their sex-life into hyperdrive. The logic makes sense — in a primitive sort of way — but it’s bunk. There is nothing in a placenta that is going to make either man or woman more libidinous. Oddly enough, it’s actually pretty nutritious in every other way.

Dried Lizard

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Another Asian street-food, dried lizards are popular for their believed medicinal value as well as their status as a tasty treat. Apparently, they’re good for a great many things, but impotence is right up there on top of the pile. Realistically, a dried lizard is just a dried lizard.

Pumpkin Pie

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Numerous tests have shown over the last couple of decades that the smell of pumpkin pie is so relaxing and alluring to men and women alike, that they prefer it to the best perfume. Some have gone as far as to claim this as proof positive that pumpkin pie is an outright aphrodisiac, but it’s not. As Freud would say, sometimes a pie is just a pie.

Read More about Aphrodisiacs and Dating Here!