I don’t know if it’s better or worse that I’m acutely aware of my character flaws.
To whit: I try to avoid competition, don’t care for it at all. But deep down, I know it’s not that I’m some soft-hearted socialist who just wants us all to get along. Rather, it’s because I am fiercely, no, insanely competitive, and simply cannot bear to lose. Losing = the gnashing of teeth & the rending of garments. And as my favorite show once espoused: you cannot lose if you do not play.
Which, at times, extends itself … everywhere. Don’t text, if you don’t want to worry about not being responded to. Don’t ask, if you’re afraid of “no” being the answer. Don’t bring it up, if you don’t want to deal with the consequences of the conversation. It’s maddening. But there it is, just waiting beneath the surface, lurking. I see a good photo and sometimes I think to myself, “Can I do better? Am I better?” I’ll wonder if the reasons I don’t like a particular photo are honest, or if they’re because I’m secretly jealous.
This is probably all normal — oh how I hope so — but it’s still rather annoying, questioning your own motives & actions, your brain being a watch you take apart every day, the pieces you examine and clean before putting it all back together. The burden of the lower-middle class sorta-intellectual I guess.
It’s these kinds of things that make my mind go all 5150 when I meet people like Samantha. Samantha, you see, is a teenage model. Lovely girl, smart, personable and very pretty. She’s also barely into her teenage years.
Yet she is operating in the world of modeling, which has chewed up and spit out folks far more experienced and worldly than her. A world which is fiercely competitive, and not only that, one where the rules are fluid, and there’s always someone better on your heels. That she does so willingly, and with little complaint, is damn near mystifying.
Me, I’m just a boiling cauldron of insecurities and petty vendettas, I’d end up murdering dozens of people in the modeling industry if I spent more than 10 minutes involved in it. But she appears to enjoy the process, the shoots, the learning process, dressing up and playing pretend, and getting her hair did and her face made up.
Of course, she’s young. Hasn’t, maybe, had those crushing defeats that make one skittish around the idea of competing, of striving towards … something.
Because that’s probably it, yeah? The fear of losing, the fear of failure, that’s what keeps us (me) from even attempting success. Samantha, maybe by going after something she wants at this young age, before any significant failure, by racking up some small (yet significant) successes, maybe she’ll realize it’s worth the risk, worth the possibility of disappointment to go after something she wants. Maybe she realizes that failing isn’t all that bad, that’s it’s actually necessary, if you ever really want to achieve anything.
So. I’ve basically learned about maturity from a teenager. That there’s — what do they call that, irony? Awesome.
Comments
Mamabedlam
December 18th, 2009 - 9:42:50 AM
The insight is so truthful that it is almost painful. If we all tore the covers off ourselves the way that you do, then it would be blaringly obvious that most people feel the same way. There is no success without failure and not extending ourselves to it is giving up. Your clarity of vision in the photo is uncompromised. Her honesty and vulnerablilty is so completely open through your lens. I wish that a Mother's need to keep her child safe had been less controlling. It bred competition at a tender age. Yet, I am aware that he is not defined by it. I am more than proud for you!
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john Rozier
December 21st, 2009 - 10:27:11 PM
you nailed it man. and no, you are not the only one in this juxtaposition. i think any artist would be lying if he didn't battle the demon we know as quiet competition, which is usually played out mostly in our heads. one thing i have come to grips with is, yes, there will ALWAYS be someone better than you, and YES, there is always a different approach you could have taken to get a better shot or angle. Nonetheless, that is the joy of photographs. As long as you have the blessing of another day, you are granted another chance to take that better shot or grow further in your craft. I have always believed, if you really love what you do, you should enjoy learning new things and the process of getting better. Sometimes it not comfortable, feeling like you still have further to go. Heck, that’s humility… it’s tough to swallow sometimes haha You are a true artist, Lou, and i would be lying if i said i never had the thought, “dang, i wish i took that picture” ;) Cheers, J.
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