It’s Hard Not To Have Sex With Christina Ricci

By Daniel Dominguez on December 17th, 2009

• Share
• Link to StumbleUpon
• 2 Comments

It is generally agreed upon that nothing is more attractive than the scene in “Black Snake Moan” where Christina Ricci takes her breasts out on the football field, although a close second would be the scene where Samul L. Jackson whips her with a giant chain while wearing a dirty wife beater.

But ever since Christina Ricci starred as a 110 pound ball of lusty sex in the hit period drama “Black Snake Moan,” it has been hard not to have sex with Christina Ricci. This is because Christina’s sexuality was so potent in that film that its power multiplied exponentially until it became so intense that sexually ravenous Christina Ricci after Christina Ricci came pouring out of the movie and in to the real world. They have now overrun my home town of Los Angeles, they eat all the food and drink all the water, the police are powerless. And they all want to have sex with us.

As a married man I resent the difficulty of trying not to have sex with the rampaging Christian Ricci’s. My wife and my relationship have suffered as a result. I’ve tried to not have sex with Christina Ricci by ignoring her, by hiding under the table, by nailing wooden planks across my windows and doors, and by tacking bear traps onto my sexual organs, but nothing works.

Now wherever you look you see over-sexed, writhing, mindless Christina Riccis that cannot be stopped. They are very hard to kill too. They can survive in extremely low and extremely high temperatures. They don’t need a lot of food. They are waterproof. They can fly short distances. And most importantly and terrifyingly, they won’t stop coming. Some precautions can be taken: don’t buy cars with leather interiors, because Christina Riccis love to writhe around on top of leather, and don’t hold a long, cold chain, because Christina Riccis love to be whipped by them.

However, those are merely temporary solutions, there is currently no way to defeat them, and every time someone else views “Black Snake Moan” it only makes them more powerful.