I, along with many of my fellow left-wingers, have long thought that the reason that right-wing pundits, fundamentalists, and the like were so adamantly against gay marriage was, at root, that they were homophobic. We attempted to fight for gay marriage by trying to demystify homosexual culture and get people on the right to see that gay people, in the end, were just like them. Except for what they liked to have in their butts (research indicates that some of them like to have dicks in their butts). Which really, when you think about it, is not that big a deal. But it turns out we were wrong. The real reason right-wing politicians and cultural icons are so determined to keep homosexuals from getting married is that they knew something we on the left didn’t know.
Every time a gay couple gets married an endangered Northern Blue Whale has a heart attack and dies. Right-wing scientists stumbled on the harrowing facts while conducting an experiment on Northern Blue Whales to try and get them to learn to sing “Proud To Be An American.” While they failed at teaching Northern Blue Whales to sing “Proud To Be An American,” they did manage to immediately contact Fox News about the connection between gay marriage and the fragile hearts of blue whales. Unfortunately, since no one with any intelligence watches Fox News, no one with any intelligence found out about it. Thus gay marriage became legalized in state after state while the Northern Blue Whale population dropped down to record low numbers as gay men said “I do” to one another, forcing Northern Blue Whale hearts to explode.
I want homosexuals to be able to marry, but I also want Blue Whales to thrive. Damn you, cruel, heartless reality.
(Image by Nicedeb)
Comments
boarderthom
December 16th, 2009 - 8:15:38 AM
Economic issues matter and marriage is an economic issue. Studies show that married people are slightly healthier (less costs) and wealthier (pay more taxes) than their single counterparts and this is true for gay people as well. Therefore, it is in the state's best economic interest to grant marriage equality. This is because there are thousands of rights and responsibilities that come with the legal contract of marriage (yes, marriage is a legal contract). Gay people deserve these rights and responsibilities.
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Bill
December 16th, 2009 - 8:41:21 AM
Not even a little bit funny. Not even a little bit clever. Not even a little bit intelligent. Not. Even.
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Lymis
December 16th, 2009 - 9:57:08 AM
Research indicates that plenty of straight folks like things up their butts too, and given the percentages, chances are extremely good that MORE straight people do anal sex than gay ones do. After all, it only takes about 5% of straight people doing anything to outnumber us, even if we all do whatever it is.
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VoR
December 16th, 2009 - 12:35:09 PM
Bill December 16th, 2009 - 8:41:21 AM Not even a little bit funny. Not even a little bit clever. Not even a little bit intelligent. Not. Even. You understood it so clearly there's no intelligence or cleverness behind it. And I agree that it's not really that funny. It certainly is a less funny than the joke that is the cloak of equality this country purports to wear. I don't hear any LGBT citizens laughing, certainly, when the ability to take care of their families is being significantly compromised by un-American ideas that not all citizens deserve to be treated equally.
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Joe Mustich, JP
December 16th, 2009 - 12:58:31 PM
It's time for fairness and equality. And it's time for the marriage police, sexually phobic, and flat earthers to find another issue to focus on in the 21st century, because life's just to short..... Onward, Joe Mustich, Justice of the Peace, Washington, Connecticut, USA.
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John Hosty-Grinnell
December 17th, 2009 - 10:52:38 AM
I am a Boston based GLBT rights activist, and I thought this article's point was well communicated even if some do not find the humor in this tragedy. People are individuals, yet our due process has been abandoned out of fear. The fear is so strong that we have also abandoned the need to prove what is accused against GLBT and same sex marriage, even when states like Massachusetts have successfully incorporated full equality for more than half a decade. Funny is up for opinion, but the message and effort to draw attention to the injustice is appreciated.
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Kate O'Hanlan, MD
December 17th, 2009 - 8:25:56 PM
MARRIAGE IS FOR ALL AMERICANS. The American Psychiatric Association has confirmed that sexual orientation is natural, biologically induced in the fetus, morally neutral, immutable, neither contagious nor learned and has no relation to an individual’s ability to form deep and lasting relationships, to parent children, to work or to contribute to society. The American Psychological Association states that homosexuality and homosexual relationships are normal. The American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association have all endorsed civil marriage for same-sex couples because marriage strengthens the mental and physical health and the longevity of couples, and provides greater legal and financial security for children, parents and seniors. When America’s premier child and mental health associations and their expert panels endorse marriage equality, there is no moral or ethical reason to discriminate against gay people and their children, except ignorance or bigotry.
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joshua rediker
June 4th, 2010 - 5:01:15 PM
your wrong what you think about this type of marriage is sick and unnatural is a abmination the bible says so thats what happened in sodom and gomorrah they slept with each other and god destryoed the city i think two people of the same sex should never be married ever not even live together at all. marriage is not for all americans just a man and woman cause thats sacred your making marriage sound like its a gross and horrid thing its something special its where a man meets woman and they fall in love and make each other happy your diffenicion of marriage is perverted. gay marriages should be outlawed and disgraced.
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joshua rediker
June 4th, 2010 - 5:08:39 PM
homosexuality and homoseuxal marriages arent normal there utter disguised and pucky you know you could get aids that way so this fine for you and you dont even care what homosexualite is its a paranoia and thats a fact.
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