The Honesty Machine is a machine we here at Manolith have that we use once a week on statements made by important people in the world about important topics. We filter their statement through the machine, and the machine then tells us what they actually meant by what they said. Example:
Tiger Woods: “I love my wife.”
Tiger Wood’s statement, after being filtered through the Honesty Machine: “I love cheating on my wife. In fact, I am having sex with a woman who is not my wife while I am making this statement.”
Simple, right?
We here at Manolith held off for a long time before deciding to put Joe Lieberman’s statement this week about health care through the Honesty Machine. The last time we put a Joe Lieberman statement through the Honesty Machine he had lied so bad that the machine broke down, a black hole in time opened where the machine used to be, and one of our interns got sucked into the black hole. We eventually fished him out, but he had changed into a 25-story pile of obtuse triangles. Which was especially hard on his loved ones. Particularly his loved ones that liked to hug him, on account of his many new sharp edges.
Nonetheless, we felt we had a civic duty to give Joe “Piece of Shit Shitface” Lieberman, as he is known by his friends on Capitol Hill, another run through the Honesty Machine for the good of the American people. Our welfare be damned. Because in the end, Manolith is here to do two things: change the world for the better, and have slide shows where you can look at PG rated pictures of attractive famous women. That is our solemn promise.
Joe Lieberman’s Statement Regarding The Senate Health Care Bill
“I’m going to be as explicit as I can. If as appears to be happening, the so called public option government run insurance program is out and the medicare buy in, which I thought would jeapordize medicare [and] cost tax payers billions of dollars [and] over the long haul increase our deficit is out, and there’s no other attempts to bring things like that in- then I’m gonna be in a position, and I’m getting to a position where I can say what I wanted to say all along, that I’m ready to vote for health care reform.”
Joe Lieberman’s Statement, When Filtered Through The Honesty Machine
“I have a great health care plan because I am a Senator, so I really couldn’t give a shit that you have to wait in a five hour long line to get a herpes test. I have never met a black person or a poor person. A large part of my fortune is tied up in the insurance industry. I try to stay out of the sun because I am a vampire and the sunlight burns my undead flesh. You can only kill me with a stake through the heart. Garlic does not work—that’s just a myth. If I met a black person I think I would probably try to run away from them. I once met a Mexican person, and I didn’t know what to do so I just handed him my wallet and told him not to kill me. But then it turned out to be Alberto Gonzalez, who someone told me was the Attorney General. I asked if they meant the Attorney General of Mexico. They said no, they meant the Attorney General of America. I then asked why, if he was the Attorney General of America that he was stealing my wallet, and they said he wasn’t stealing my wallet, he was trying to ask me if I wanted to go to lunch. Then they said that Mexico was actually part of America too, that North America encompassed both Canada and Mexico, as well as the United States. And then I knew he was kidding, and I was like, are you crazy?! What are you doing kidding at a time like this, there’s a Mexican in the Senate! And he wants to take all our wallets!”
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