When you go to a bar, what’s the first thing you do? The first thing I do is get annoyed that they’ve turned up the bad techno so loud and leave. For many others, though, the first thing they do is walk up to the bar and order their drink of choice. Every drink available says something about the person ordering it. For instance, ordering a Tecate means, “I’m obviously really angry at my own mouth.” But there are many drinks besides Tecate, because we do not live in hell, and as such, below is a list of such drinks:
What Your Drink of Choice Says About You
Martini:
I am either the CEO of a powerful international corporation, or a single mother.
Jack and Coke:
I own a Mustang Cobra that I paid for with my Dad’s money, and I listen to Papa Roach while I work out.
Gin and Tonic:
I’m intelligent, and good looking, can flex my chest muscles and my name is Daniel Dominguez and this is my favorite drink.
Three Wise Men:
I have an ironic mustache.
Bud Light:
I grow pot in my dorm room, and I’ve convinced my RA that I’m growing chives, which he believes because he grew up Mormon.
Coors Light:
See Bud Light.
Natural Ice:
See Coors Light.
Michelob:
I am 140 years old. I watch daytime TV because I don’t have a job and everyone tells me to get off my ass and stop watching “Judge Judy” all day. And my wife yells at me every Saturday when I come to pick up my kids for the weekend. But at least I can still have kids at 140.
Stella Artois:
I haven’t figured out that this is basically the Bud Light of Italy. Also, I like to pretend that I’ve been to Europe even though I haven’t. Also, I think that Captain Morgan was a real guy.
Steel Reserve:
I want to beat the shit out of somebody. Anybody.
Semen in a glass with a cherry on top:
I’m gay.
Semen in a glass with a cherry on top delivered to me by a schoolgirl whose hands are bound by thick rope:
I’m Japanese.
Red Bull and Vodka:
I just broke up with my boyfriend and I plan to get so drunk that I throw up hard enough to blow myself out of my high heels.
Bacardi 101:
I plan to get black out drunk and wake up in a dumpster. But in style.
Moonshine:
I plan to get black out drunk, closed-fist punch a raccoon and wake up in a dumpster. But not in style.
Wild Turkey:
I am our 23rd President, Andrew Jackson.
Hennesey:
My album just dropped.
Night Train:
My album will never drop.
Heffewizen:
I will probably reference something about having visited one of Dave Egger’s “crazy theme stores” at some point during the conversation so you know that I’m culturally plugged in.
Mickey’s:
I didn’t get into the fraternity because the egg they made me carry with my anus from one end of the football stadium to the other kept breaking.
Human Blood:
I am a vampire.
Human Brains:
I am a zombie.
A Human Child’s Heart:
I am Dr. Phil.
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Comments
sofa king
December 16th, 2009 - 9:31:06 AM
Is that Jesse Jane in the picture?????
1
Johnny Boy
December 30th, 2009 - 11:11:38 PM
Stella Artois is Belgian.
2
AJ
January 19th, 2010 - 12:46:53 PM
Captain Morgan WAS a real guy. Henry Morgan = One of the most successful pirates of all time. Although I see your point, perhaps a better example is in order?
3