4 Lessons About Getting Chicks From Celebrities Who Are Uglier Than You

By Phil Fuller on December 15th, 2009

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You don’t have to be hot to get chicks. I know, it sounds kind of counter intuitive, but there are plenty of examples of hideous guys who bask in the warm glow of their lady’s hotness while the rest of us stupefied suckers gawk and wonder what the hell he did to nab a hottie like that. Good news is, you can follow their example and land yourself a hot chick, too. Here are four things you can do to land yourself a hottie.

Be Tough and Have a Guitar (Drugs Help, Too)

(Image by Molcatron)

Anyone who knows their Metal from their quartzite knows that Motörhead’s bassist, Lemmy Kilmister, is one ugly mofo. When he walks down the street, women and children run away, and babies cry. Despite the fact that Lemmy looks like a surviving abortion from a strange race of forest-dwelling Viking trolls and has a complexion not unlike an overcooked grilled cheese sandwich, Lemmy estimates that he’s been with at least 1,200 women (other estimates are as high as 2000), and Maxim Magazine has called him a “Sex Legend.” Yeah, you heard right: Legend. Like Paul Bunyan or Hercules or Jesus. When inevitably asked by rock journalists why he got in to music—one of the standard five questions in any rock interview along with, “who are your influences?”—he’ll recall his childhood, where someone came to school with a guitar, and it magically seemed to “summon chicks.” So he got his own guitar, summoned his own chicks, and 2000 chicks later, had no venereal diseases that we know about. How bad ass is that?

It seems pretty easy to pull off the Lemmy thing, right? All you’ve got to do is be rock ‘n roll as all hell. As in stop cutting your hair, only wear black, stop showering, drink and snort everything in sight, hang out with junkies, and write cool bass lines. If you have a girlfriend, this might be problematic as she’ll probably tell you that she’s not going to touch you until you shower, or that you need to get a haircut before you guys take your Christmas photos in front of the Small World ride at Disneyland. But ask yourself, “What would Lemmy do?” Well, probably whatever the hell he wants. Besides, just think of all the new chicks you’ll get once your rocker transformation is complete.

Also, it helps if your voice is really gravely and harsh, somewhere between Tom Waits and a garbage disposal full of Hot Wheels cars. A guitar couldn’t hurt either. And grow a beard-’stache. Women love ‘em.

Be Funny

Bill Murray is totally awesome, and totally gross. Like crossing the streams gross. He’s got every flaw that hang guys up: Male-pattern baldness, a little pot belly, deep wrinkles around his eyes, and acne scars, and is sometimes spotted wearing a molester-’stache. But he was also in epic comedy classics like “Stripes” and “Ghostbusters” and “Caddyshack,” etc. So all is forgiven when Bill Murray opens his mouth and all that funny comes out. Sure, his record of nabbing hot chicks isn’t the best in Hollywood, but Bill Murray isn’t a Hollywood kind of guy. He reportedly dated Sigourney Weaver back in the 80s, got to smooch on Scarlett Johansson in “Lost in Translation” (and it wasn’t completely unbelievable), and is currently, at the spry age of 60, dating 28-year-old Crystle Stewart, who was crowned Miss USA last year. Charm goes a long way, and with Bill Murray it’s a Cinderella story, folks.

Be Excellent at Something

This one’s short. Arthur Miller, notable American playwright and seller-out of his Communist-sympathizing comrades, spent five years married to Marilyn Monroe. Have you seen the guy? He’s like a cross between Ray Bradbury and Eugene Levy. It helped that he was a literary genius who composed some of the most well known and oft-produced dramas of the 20th century though. So he was at the top of his game and got the hottest woman in the land. You don’t have to shoot that high, but it’s a scientifically proven fact that women like guys with gigantic brains, especially writers. You get bonus points if you’re sensitive, caring and deep, all of which can be feigned by attending theatre events and poetry readings.

Honorable mentions include Seal, who used his skillz to snatch up Heidi Klum.

Be Super Cool and Grizzled and Old

(Image by Alex Const)

Iggy Pop is often cited as the godfather of Punk Rock, and if you’re looking to get chicks, it helps to have invented something awesome. Being lauded as the godfather of something, however, is a little tricky, because it implies that you’re old as dirt.

Even though Iggy is old as dirt, he’s managed to take care of his skin with a strict regimen of cocaine and heroin and booze and cigarettes and broken glass, and his raw sexuality wells up from deep within his soul and oozes out of the cracks in his face like lava flows gushing out of the primordial Earth. Also, Iggy Pop is way too awesome to wear a shirt. It only keeps his oozing sexiness trapped between his chest and his clothes, and that ooziness stains, probably. And a shirt would just get in the way of him writhing on the ground like a drugged up sex maniac. Follow Iggy’s example and skip the shirt, always.

Iggy Pop’s sweaty Pec prints are to be followed with extreme caution, though, because there’s a danger you could overdo it and end up like Keith Richards. Sure, Keith Richards is cool, and on the surface he seems a lot like Iggy Pop: He too has a complexion like melted frosting, hangs out with Mick Jagger, and has more money in his pocket right now than I have in my bank account, but you don’t hear about girls lining up to get naked with him. That would just be gross.