Tiger Woods’ Text Messages

By Mark Lorenz on December 10th, 2009

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Guess what? Tiger Woods is not at all the mundane nerd we thought he was. Instead, he’s kind of a pervy nerd. The text messages he sent out to Jaimee Grubbs have been leaked this morning. And they’re a hoot.

Tiger: Hey Sexy I can’t come out this week. Something came up family wise (July 20, 3:04 p.m.)

Jaimee: That’s okay I hope everything is fine … would have liked to see you

Tiger: We will make it happen

Jaimee: I drove out for the night to surprise a friend with a present for there birthday (July 26, 11: 22 p.m.)

Tiger: what kind of present your naked body

(Here we see Tiger utilizing the pick-up lines he learned at Stanford.)

Jaimee: haha no a watch I slept alone

Tiger: alone with him that is

(Tiger be witty.)

Jaimee: haha I wish

Jaimee: miss u (Sept. 27, 6:38 p.m.)

Tiger: now that’s hot so who is your new boy toy

Jaimee: no new boy toy … still running dry… been on 2 real dates in the pat 2 months :(

Tiger: I need you

Jaimee: then get your tight ass over here and visit me! I need u

Tiger: I will wear you out soon

Jaimee: how soon? I got a new piercing

Tiger: really. Where

Jaimee: I just sent u a pic of it … is on my cheek below my eye … implanted a little diamond

(BAAALLLLLLLIIIIIIIIN’)

Tiger: send it again. I didn’t pick up on that

Tiger: you just need some attention from me

Tiger: do you have a boy friend (8:45 p.m.)

(I think it’s safe to assume if she’s flirting with married men, commitment is not an issue.)

Jaimee: I don’t even have someone I am dating … no … u can be my boyfriend ;)

Tiger: then I am

Jaimee: I wish

Tiger: quiet and secretively we will always be together

(Tiger then broke out a knife and carved TIGA N’ JAIMEE 4 EVER on his wood)

Tiger: when was the last time you got laid

Jaimee: if we hang out on a Sundway we can watch desperate houswives again haha (Sept. 30, 3:38 p.m.)

Tiger: oh god

Jaimee: take a break from watching boring old golf

Jaimee: I mean the amazing sport of golf ;)

Jaimee: [more than an hour later] babe I was kidding

Tiger: I know sexy

Jaimee: is it orange county time yet? (Oct. 1, 6:06 p.m.)

Tiger: oh stop :)

Jaimee: hahaha I know … but you canceled on me last time so the anticipation is killing me … im finding myself watching sports center … haha j/k it isn’t that bad

Tiger: its never been that bad

Jaimee: very true … I only watch football

Tiger: Figured you would say that. Big black guys.

Jaimee: u are my first, last and only black guy! U should feel special

Tiger: why do I not believe that?

(Because it’s not true. Jaimee sent this text whilst having sex with P. Diddy.)

Tiger: [later, in response to Jaimee's mention of a date who was "full of himself"] you kinda like that for some reason which is weird why you decided on me.

Tiger: having an asian mother and a military father you cannot and will not ever be full of yourself

(I dunno, Tiger. From everything I’ve heard, you sound like an ass.)

Jaimee: I have fun with u, you always make me smile and I am not afraid to be myself or say anything to u … the day I met u I thought u were going to kick me out a few times but for someone reason you didn’t and u have told me numerous times I talk to much but slowly as I get to know u iI think your absolutely amazing

Tiger: you are wrong I’m bone thugs in harmon

(TIGER IS BONE THUGS N’ HARMONY. THE ENTIRE GROUP. AND KCI AND JOJO. THAT WAS ALSO TIGER.)

Jaimee: Something wrong babe?I was excited to sepnd time with u this week (Oct. 15, 6:40 p.m.)

Tiger: I will you Sunda night. Its the only night in which I am totally free but I have to leave at 530 Monday morning to drive up to the valley for an outing for one of my sponsors. See you at 8 pm on Sunday in newport

Tiger: don’t text me back till tomorrow morning. I have to many people around me right now

Tiger: send me something very naughty (Oct. 18, 3:40 p.m.)

Jaimee: some things are worth waiting for lol … besides im at work

Tiger: go to the bathroom and take it

(You can just hear him thinking. “I’M TIGER WOODS, BITCH. TAKE A PICTURE OF YOURSELF.”)

Jaimee: haha ur too much

Jaimee: are u leaving me cause your wife is still in newport :( I am lonely now … i like falling asleep in your arms (Oct. 18, 11:38 p.m.)

Tiger: sorry baby I just can’t sleep. Its just a problem I have.

Tiger: she is not here. They left this morning

Jaimee: well I appreciate you not wanting to wake me up but if y couldn’t sleep I would have rather sat up and talked to u more … find out why I keep falling more and more for u ;)

Tiger: Because I’m blasian :)

Tiger: I’m sorry babe. Im already home.

Jaimee: I’m putting my underwear back on … thats a no no … come take them off

Tiger: :) you are too funny

Tiger: happy thanksgiving to you (Nov. 26, 11:16 a.m.)

Jaimee: u too love

Gatorade has canceled their Tiger Woods drink. You’re the richest athlete in the world, and yet Gatorade has bailed on you. Something is terribly wrong. Also, the 15 television advertisements Tiger has starred in have been yanked from the airwaves. Plus the total count of mistresses is now up somewhere around 13. Thirteen mistresses. So far. Wrap your heads around that, ladies and gents. This man had sex with 13 other people while also having sex with his wife. Oftentimes, he would have sex in the same place that he slept with his wife. Can you imagine how tiring that had to be? Tiger Woods is a love machine and a golf machine.

In other news, his wife, Elin Nordegren, is supposedly going to stand by her man. According to her friends. And this Australian newspaper. Because she’s a child of divorce. Hey, I don’t care if my parents got divorced ten times, if my husband cheated on me more than 13 different times with more than 13 different women, I’d be out of there. Get the payout, grab my baby, and whatever isn’t bolted down or a family heirloom, and run!

Run. Run while you still can. Tiger’s gonna’ be lookin’ for you.

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