Global warming is projected to do lots of terrible things. It is going to make the entire continent of Africa an unlivable sweltering hell zone. Polar bears will all but vanish from the face of the Earth, and those that do survive will undoubtedly stop wearing shades and Hawaiian shirts while they drink Coca-Cola. Vast swaths of humanity, bereft of access to food or water, will scale the walls of the First World looking for sustenance and doing anything they can, be it violence or pressing on us with the sheer strength of their numbers, to get it.
But all is not no hope. No hope is not all of what there is. There is no hope, but there is also other things. Etc. Understand?
Because global warming has an upside. Hundreds of scientists and researchers at 18 different universities have confirmed: as global warming ramps up, women will have to wear less clothes.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m not a feminist, but I am absolutely stoked whenever natural conditions take away a woman’s right to determine what she can wear. For instance, my favorite part of the “Lord of The Rings” trilogy was when those giant talking trees broke into Arwen Evenstar’s dressing room and replaced all her gowns with crotchless maid outfits. For those of you that find that statement to be dismissive of women’s right to choose, know this: The entire lower half of my body is female.
Scientists confirmed their Women-Will-Not-Wear-As-Much-Clothing-Because-Of-Global-Warming hypothesis by putting a bunch of women in a room and slowly turning up the temperature. Seven of the ten women began to disrobe as they got hotter. Two of the women left their clothes on, and one woman, who it was later confirmed had downs syndrome, actually put on all the clothes everybody else took off.
The proof sent shock waves through the anti-global warming community, who had spent so much time focused on the loss of integral species and the dramatic reduction of life quality that they never focused on the potential awesomeness of other factors.
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