You remember that Christmas when your mom warned you that your grandma was going to give you Lee Carvallo’s Putting Challenge instead of Bonestorm and forced you to act excited despite your lack of enthusiasm for golf-based video games? Well, now you have a job, and people expect you to give them shit. Expensive electronic shit. Luckily for you, we’ve compiled this list of 10 wallet-draining craptacular devices that techo-fetishists like you should stay away from.

10. Flip Camera

While the idea of a pocket-size video camera is enticing, consider the following questions: Does your gift recipient have an iPhone? A digital camera that shoots video? Anything in their lives worth recording? If the answer to any of these is yes, then a Flip is little more than a fancy paperweight. If the answer is no, then chances are they’ll end up using it as a fancy paperweight.

9. Nintendo Wii

Unless the person getting the gift is an 8-year-old living in his mother’s home or an 80-year-old living in a nursing home, chances are the Xbox 360 or PlayStation 3 he already owns has the gaming angle all wrapped up.

8. Apple TV

You know what’s awesome about Apple TV? Nothing. There are cheaper set-top boxes that stream video into your living room, not the least of which is the one provided by your cable company, which is free with your cable subscription and is porn-enabled in most cases (call your cable provider to order these movies).

7. Mintpass Cube

A couple of years ago, the question was “who doesn’t want an MP3 player?” Now, it’s “who doesn’t own an mp3 player?” I mean, get serious, Mintpass: everything has MP3 functionality built in these days, including stupid shit like baseball caps and eyeglasses, for fucks sake. Making it cube-shaped is not helping your case either.

6. Amazon Kindle

Maybe you own a Kindle and maybe you love it. Congratulations: your early adopter cred is worth so much more than having a color screen like the new Barnes and Noble Nook has, or the ability to read PDFs you stole using Pirate Bay like the Sony E-reader has. Try not to spread your coolness to your friends and family, though.

5. PSP Go

They don’t play UMD discs, only downloaded games. There’s no benefit to the user, but it really helps Sony curb the piracy running rampant in the PSP scene. I’ve been wondering for some time about the handful of suckers who bought one of these. I’m thinking that a lack of iron in their diets is what contributed to the lack of judgment it took to buy an inferior version of a device that’s been on the market for years. Then again, I don’t know. Could be potassium. I’m not a doctor.

4. TwitterPeek

The world’s first dedicated Twitter device! It lets you check your Twitter account on the go! No more will you have to go to the anxiety of using Twitter without paying for a service plan! According to a TwitterPeek spokesperson, “Our device is better than Tweeting from your smartphone because … um … next question?” If you do end up buying one of these for your mom, though, I’m sure her seven followers will appreciate it.

3. Twoddler

The Twoddler is made of 100% pure OMFG: it’s a Fisher Price busy box that has been modified to post pre-programmed tweets when the toddler playing with it and hits certain buttons. Some of these include “[child's Twitter handle] is showing off his music skills with a new tune” and “@mommy [child's Twitter handle] misses mommy and looks forward playing with her this evening.” They forgot to include, however, “[child's Twitter handle] has a pair of retarded assclowns for parents.”

2. Print Your Toast

This is kind of a cheater entry since it’s nowhere near market yet, but come on: it’s a toaster that spits out your toast like a printer. It doesn’t actually print using butter or jam for ink, nor does it burn images onto your toast. It just looks like a fucking printer. Dear Germans who designed this: call me when you can actually help me make a Janine Habeck-shaped breakfast. Or if it’s for your grandma, a Sal Mineo-shaped breakfast.

1. JooJoo

Perhaps you’ve been following the story of the Joojoo. A web-enabled touchpad for $200 was a great idea when Mike Arrington initially proposed it, but somewhere along the line, they decided to change its name from the badass Crunchpad to Joojoo, which sounds like groupthink from a consortium of Web 2.0′s laziest pikers. It doesn’t do apps and it doesn’t have an open-source operating system, but it does have a much heftier price tag, currently sitting at $400. If you’re considering buying one for yourself or a loved one, do the world a favor and find a shady doctor to sell you a big bag of Propofol instead.

Leave a Reply