Mass hysteria took over at the beginning of the millennium as disease after disease made headlines as the next big disease to kill 40% of the world population. Instead of killing 40% of all human life, however, each new media-hyped disease ended up killing one kid in an unnamed town in Mexico and a 98-year-old woman somewhere in the mountains of Arkansas where they still make houses out of mud and television is illegal.
So. In the interest of helping society see the error of its ways, we here at Manolith feel it is our duty to send out a report to once and for all dismiss the need to worry about these over-hyped diseases. They are as follows:
1. SARS : SARS, also known as “Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome,” or “Tom Cruise” for short, terrified everyone in the world over the course of the year 2003. Like all great inventions, SARS began in China and spread as far as slightly outside of China. It killed a total of 778 people in the entire world. Which, for context, is slightly lower than the number of people John Travolta secretly kills every single day with his “talent.”
2. Avian-Influenza: Avian-Influenza, or “Bird Flu” struck fear to the heart of human beings and was hailed as being even more deadly than relying on Oprah for medical advice. Scientists said it would kill pretty much all of us and then go on to make fun of us behind our backs to its friends, which we would overhear at a party and then feel bad. Instead of that, however, Avian-Influenza killed a shitload of birds. And 200 people. Two hundred people, over the last several years, in the entire world. Compared to that, in 2009 old people who were allowed to drive cars killed the entire state of Wisconsin. A state that has, at least, 200 people.
3. Swine-Flu: Swine-Flu, or as it is known here in the United States, “Swine-Flu,” was supposed to destroy at least one person for every person who died last year. It was projected to have a 148% mortality rate. Which means that it would kill every single person that it infected, while at the same time ordering the deaths of .5 people via predator drone for every one person it directly killed. It’s kind of complicated. I know, though, as I got swine flu. And the only thing that it did to me was that, on the fourth day, I woke up feeling refreshed, and I had a chiseled Charlton Heston-esque jawline.
4. Cell-Phone Brain Tumors: As it turns out, people actually do get Cell-Phone Brain Tumors. However, the Cell-Phone World Series of Poker is such a fun game that I’d call it about even.
5. Sarah Palin: Sarah Palin was the disease that first scared the bejesus out of everyone during the 2008 Presidential election. The media hype machine later freaked us out when she released a book that she had written, in English, with proper use of capitalization and grammar, all by herself-ish. The Center for Disease Control and Prevention warned that Sarah Palin had mutated, and gone airborne. Once inhaled she would pilot a tiny DNA strand sized helicopter and lean out of it with a rifle firing at all your white blood cells. Instead, she just turned out to be sort of dumb, kind of hot for a woman her age, and of little to no consequence to anyone who doesn’t bathe outside.
Comments
No comments.