Every Tuesday Manolith and Dan Dominguez run some important political statement or speech through our Honesty Machine to see what they really meant. We do this as a service to the community, to give the citizens of our fair country the ability to see what their leaders really think, and to increase unique blog hits by implementing a weekly series that people will keep coming back for. That’s the Manolith promise. And you can take that to the bank. But don’t cash it because we have not been paid yet.
This week Barack Obama laid out his feelings about the state of jobs and joblessness in the economy. Let’s see what he really meant.
In the interest of clarity the statements, prior to being run through the Honesty Machine, are in quotes. Once they have been run through the Honesty Machine they appear in italics.
1. “We are in a very different place than we were a year ago”
Most of the things I have promised I have not followed through with. However, some things have changed. I am better at basketball than the last president, and last year at this time the Twilight series had just gotten off to a rocky start. Whereas now, it is the most important thing a Mormon has ever done.
“There has rarely been a less loved or more necessary emergency program than TARP, which — as galling as the assistance to banks may have been — indisputably helped prevent a collapse of the entire financial system.”
I am actually a lizard from the planet X-13. I have already shipped the entire country of Maldovia to my spaceship, where they will be turned into fuel.
“Even as we have had to spend our way out of this recession in the near term, we have begun to make the hard choices necessary to get our country on a more stable fiscal footing in the long run.”
By the year 2030, 98% of all Americans will be waiters or janitors.
“These folks aren’t looking for a hand out. They’re not looking for a bail out. They’re hoping for a chance to make their own way, to work, to succeed using their talents and skills.”
These folks are looking for a handout. They would rather get paid to stay home and watch daytime reruns of Cops then have to go to work and download lower resolution clips of Cops from Youtube when their boss isn’t looking.
“These budget busting tax cuts and spending programs were approved by many of the same people who are now waxing political about fiscal responsibility while opposing our efforts to reduce deficits by getting health care costs under control. It’s a sight to see.”
I plan to compromise so completely with Republicans on Health Care that I am asking the Senate to include a provision in their Health Care Bill that forces any American who makes less than $40,000 a year to fight to the death in a Gladiator style arena. Whoever lives has to battle a tiger. If they beat that tiger, they get chemotherapy.
“These have been a tough two years. And there will no doubt be difficult months ahead. But the storms of the past are receding. The skies are brightening. And the horizon is beckoning once more.”
We are going to be in Iraq and Afghanistan until global warming makes those countries impossible to live in, at which point we will build a giant wall along the coast of the entire United States to keep out any intruders.